These whereabouts unknown. Please know you can come home.

Uhhh... tl;dr warning... haha.

This, friends, is all my introspective thoughts condensed into one glorious post haha. Just a heads up.

You know that moment where you're pretty sure your mom has read your blog and is worried, because she didn't post on the blog you wrote? Just me? This is just me trying to reiterate what I said in my last blog I wrote, but perhaps in a different way.

Some quick context for why I'm posting this-- I know my mom misses all the kids (for one because she tells us, but also because of all the random texts she sends that never were there before) and I know that she's worried about me specifically. This is something I have to deal with a lot being the youngest. Which is fine, that's the way life goes haha. But it's also been hard on her having so many of the kids leave the church, and I know she's worried I will too. As a mom, she's going to worry about us because she wants what's best for us and for us to be happy, and to the best of her knowledge, that's for us to be good strong members. She worries about everyone like this, but even more so for me. In part, it's just because I'm the youngest. But I think I've also been a bit of a wild card. We've actually talked about it a lot, and I wasn't the easiest child in the family. I specifically did what I was told I couldn't or shouldn't, I kept a lot of secrets from the family, all my best friends were not members, my favorite activities were not ever "typical Mormon" activities. I mean, I was a good kid. I did listen to my parents (even though I tried my hardest to make it look like I wasn't listening to them), and my friends are all good people, and it's not like was doing drugs or having sex with everything, but I'm just trying to explain that I was one of the most stressful children in the family.

My mom is also worried because there's a trend that all the kids in CO have stopped going to church, and the kids in UT have not. And I'm one of the kids in CO. And out of everyone in the family, I've been closest to Chaelomen for the longest. I mean, when I was younger, I worshiped him. I would have done anything for him, and I emulated his thoughts and interests. He was my hero and I liked what he liked and disliked what he disliked. We're still very close, but I'm proud to say that I'm my own person, and though we have similar interests, it is not my purpose in life to please him (haha, sorry, Maku). My thoughts are no more influenced by him than they would be by anyone else.

I just wanted to share this background to show that I understand why my mom would be concerned about me. Being so close to Chaelomen, it seems pretty fitting that I would just follow suit along with him. Especially living with him, it would be an extra concern. I imagine, looking at me, she (my mom) sees a lot of different paths that I could take, and shes worried that I'll take one that leads away from the church, because it's kinda always been the path I was heading down. I would guess she can also imagine me staying strong in the church, but probably part of her worries that the reason I stayed in the church ever was because I was at home, and that's what you do when you're at home.

I think I've explained this enough. I'm going to continue on with the story now haha.

I'm gonna be honest here, and this might be a story that I conveniently never mentioned to my parents. Aside from the times where I was working on Sundays, there was about a 2 and a half or 3 month period in my life where I didn't go to church. It was about 2 and half years ago, now. I was leaving for China, and I had a calling at church as the FHE committee chair, so I planned a weekly activity for the entire branch, and I worked really hard to make sure it was fun and the lesson was uplifting and unique. I loved that calling, by far my favorite so far. The last FHE I did before I left, I specifically asked everyone to come and say bye to me. That was the week I had the lowest turnout ever. Maybe 8 people came? But I tried to write it off. Maybe everyone would come see me at my going away party that I was having that Saturday. And then they didn't. A lot of people came and supported me and said bye, which was awesome. I had a lot of my friends and family and neighbors all come and wish me well. I loved it. But I had a lot of friends in the branch, and maybe 4 of them came to say bye. I was heartbroken by this and really bitter (probably a bit more bitter than I had right to be). Regardless, the first 2.5 to 3 months I was in China, I refused to go to church. I was angry that all these people I thought cared about me just ignored my big adventure, so I stayed home while my roommates all went to church, despite them begging me to join. I eventually came to the realization that I was being unfair and uh prideful maybe? That seems like the wrong word. Meh, the point is, I got over myself and remembered that I was going to church to please God, not because it convenienced me. It was a way to show respect, and I was being petty.

So that was my big physical inactive experience in my life. I lasted a whole 2 and half months. I've had other moments where I was going to church but my testimony was pretty nonexistent, and I've had moments where I wasn't going to church, but thriving. But the one time my testimony was struggling and I was choosing to not go to church because of it, I only made it 2.5 months before I felt genuinely bad that I was being so petty toward God.

Regarding the blog I posted the other day. I get the impression that it concerned my mom, like she thinks I might be slipping away from the gospel. Let me point out now that I'm not, at least I don't believe I am. I think my view of the gospel is/ was shifting and has been for a while. I can actually pinpoint when this started.

Time for another story that I don't think I've ever shared with my parents. I haven't shared it with many people. Almost 2 years ago I started working at the rec center. And there was a boy. I liked him a lot. He isn't Mormon, and in November he got a tattoo. Let me pause this story for a second to say that, despite me not having a lot of Mormon friends for most of my life, I owned being Mormon 100%. It was my entire identity. If there was nothing else I knew about myself, I at least knew I was LDS and proud of it, and as far as I knew, everyone knew it about me and it was how they defined me. That's Bridget, she's Mormon. The end, right? What else do you need to know? Alright, so this guy at work got a tattoo, and he showed me, then making some conversation, asked if I had any. I said no. He said, "Figures." So I followed with a vaguely sassy, "Do I look like I'd have tattoos?" and he responded with a shrug and a, "Yeah, kinda."

I really had no idea what to do with that. Took me completely aback. Up until that point in my life, whenever I'd had a conversation along those line, "Do I look like I'd [have this] [have that] [do that] [drink this] [go there]?" the reply was always, "No, you're right. You look Mormon." But here was someone who thought I looked like I could have tattoos. To him, I wasn't inherently Mormon. I was just Bridget. I realized at that moment that no one who I worked with knew I was Mormon. The only thing I knew about myself, no one there knew. And I work a lot, they all had plenty of time to get to know me, I consider myself close to a lot of them. I enjoyed their company and they enjoyed mine. They knew me, and liked who I was, without me being Mormon. The one thing that I knew defined me, the one thing that made my personality, they weren't even aware of, and yet they still liked me. And that's when I started to wonder, if I'm not Mormon, who am I?

I started questioning everything I knew, and unfortunately, I didn't even hint to my parents that I was wondering about everything I had been told for my whole life. When I was a kid, I didn't act like myself at home. I was reserved and quiet. But at school and among my friends, I was loud and wild and excitable. And for years and years, anything I did I would keep to myself. The good and the bad. I don't know why, it's just what I did. Because I could, I guess? That way, I could guarantee I wouldn't get in trouble for something. Not that I would have, I was a good kid, but I could guarantee it this way. And this is something that none of my siblings could have pulled off to the same degree I could. All of you had to deal with each other. You all went to school together, roughly the same age. If you did something at school, the siblings already knew and had the ability to tell mom and dad, so it was better for you to just be honest and tell them yourself, which gave you an opportunity to be honest and open with them. I don't really know that's how the boys grew up, but I watched Carolyn and Audrey live that way.

Anything I did was kept between me and my friends. My friends are on my side and they aren't going to rat me out to my family. So I was a very secretive child (which is probably why it's so easy for all y'all to ignore me when we get the family together now ;) it's how it was growing up, so despite how things have changed now, it's easy to go back to that if we get everyone together). And it was a scary and hard thing to open up to anyone in the family. But I did-- not entirely on my own, mom being the young women's president was pretty important to me ever opening up to her later in high school.

So. Since I was already in the habit of not telling the family things about me, despite trying to break through and be more open, I didn't tell my parents about anything that I was questioning. So I went on my own private adventure, thinking about who I am outside of being Mormon, and then consequently looking at the church and thinking about what I believe and do I believe that because I was told to or because I actually do. It was a big existentialist adventure. Why am I here, who am I, blaaah. Haha. And this is all something, I have complete faith, that I would have gone through eventually in my life. The signs have always kinda been there (when my testimony was at its strongest, I saw that and recognized it, and rejected it and not 2 months later my testimony was at its lowest. At the time, it didn't feel right), but that one little conversation with my coworker that he probably doesn't even remember was a catalyst for the experience. And I'm grateful that I was able to go through it and end up where I am now.

The problem now though is that I've had this major growth in my life, and I'm so happy with where I am, and I feel so at peace, but I haven't felt like I could tell anyone besides my friends because it didn't seem natural or like it fit in, since I had kept the confusion/trials that got me where I was to myself. 

But that's why I'm writing this blog now. I blogged a little bit about something that had been kinda tickling at my brain, almost hoping it would allow for the conversation to flow about this and I could share what I've learned finally. But that didn't pan out. Most of my "regular readers" are not commenting. I'm living with a couple of the regulars, a bunch of the regulars are busy with life, and the one that I think I wrote it for most (my mom) didn't reply, and honestly I think she didn't say anything because she was scared while looking at it. So the first part of this blog was describing briefly (yes, haha, that was a brief description) why I've gotten where I am, but I'm now going to go on and iterate what I actually do believe. Bear with me, I'm still figuring it all out. But, aren't we all?

I think the place I've gotten to most is looking at intent. Why did you do this or that? Why do we keep the sabbath day holy? Why do we follow the word of wisdom and the law of chastity? Why did my one friend make decisions that allowed her to get pregnant? All the commandments that we're given in the church can be simmered down to two real commandments-- Love thy God with all your heart might mind and strength, and love thy neighbor as thyself. So if we have those, why do we need the law of chastity? Why do we need to not kill?

Once, I was taught that when Moses was up on his mount talking to God, he came down with those two commandments for all this people to follow. And they couldn't handle it. They just weren't in a place where they could handle Loving God and Loving their Neighbors, and actually abide by it. My little interpretation there is that they didn't have the integrity or understanding of what that would actually mean. So Moses smashes the two commandments in frustration and goes back up to his mount and talks with God some more, and then comes back down with the ten commandments. And the people are handling those better. But eventually, they start putting weird restraints on the commandments. Like number 4, thou shalt keep the Sabbath Day holy, was interpreted as a restraint on how many steps you can take, going to church, not laboring in any way... To the point that when Christ comes and heals someone on the Sabbath, everyone's freaking out like, "Whoa there, Jesus. You can't do that, it's breaking the Sabbath." And then he has to be all, "What? No, hang on. Just, that's not what it means. Look guys, there's a higher law than 'don't labor,'" and that's when Jesus explains the higher law which everyone tried to do and abide by (except for the whole rejecting-the-Christ thing and all that) eventually.

So connecting that back to today-- or or or. should I say likening, eh eh? 1 Nephi scripture mastery? yeah haha-- Christ wasn't concerned so much with their strict rules of how to keep the Sabbath holy, but with the spirit of it. And that's where I'm standing right now. There's a lot of commandments that we have today in the church, and I've been concerning myself with why we have them and how I can have high integrity with living the real spirit of the law. The word of wisdom is about being healthy. Keeping the Sabbath day is about respect. I could continue, but I don't think I need all the specific examples. If you have any questions on my stances on anything, I'd be happy to expound.

But another important key that I've found for myself is the spirit with which you do something. For example, when I worked at Target, I worked Sundays, but I told them I was only available after 5 (a half hour after church ended). And the time frame that I worked at Target was right after I was at my spiritual high and then rejected it. Working at Target, I didn't do anything to try to make my life better or spiritually uplifting. I just continued on rejecting my high spiritual level, but going to church. I might have been physically at church, but I was so mentally not in the gospel it's almost unbelievable. Working at the rec center, I regularly work Sundays all day, unable to go to church. I don't really have to necessarily. My boss is cool and would probably accept it just fine if I told her I couldn't work Sundays. But I don't want to tell her that. I love my job and I'm grateful for any time they'll have me work there. Conversely, I was in a happier place in general and wasn't going to work on Sunday to spite anyone, but just because that's what the job asked me to do. And I don't think my faith has wavered at all because of it. It was all about why I was working on a Sunday and how I was choosing to feel.

And the last thing I've learned for myself-- which started very much in China-- was learning to love other people. Love them for their similarities, love them for their differences. Love them and serve them. It's by far the most important thing to me. Which is a large part of why I want to return to China, to serve the people again. Not just the locals-- though that was a great part of it previously-- but also to serve the teachers I'm overseeing. To help them and love them and become better. It's why I love my job so much, because it is constantly about serving people and helping them to better themselves and giving them skills they can use their whole life. And I think service comes in all sorts of different ways. Whether it's listening to someone who needs an ear, or watching someone's kids for a while, giving someone a ride somewhere, doing yard work for people, smiling at a stranger... whatever it is. Anything to make someone feel better. Even if that was only by acknowledging them and making them feel like they were noticed for a couple moments, it was a good piece of service.

Actually, one more thing that I think goes along with my last point. Is to not judge others. That one is one I've thought forever. I've written papers on it, given lessons on it, talked in church about it. It seems serving others and not judging them are pretty intricately tied together. But how someone decides to live their life is not something I'm going to concern myself on. They are living the way they see fit, and I don't think I'm in a position to look down on them. I don't know their life and they have reasons for doing what they're doing, and I'm not God. I don't know if it actually is wrong. So I'm not going to pretend. I'm going to let them do whatever they are going to do. And take the opportunity to do the same for myself. Live how I see fit, inviting others to not tell me I'm wrong. But for myself, I know I want to improve and help others and change the world.

In the end, I think that's what the gospel is about. I love it, and I feel so happy and peaceful being here. I like my Heavenly Father supports me being here. This is what's good. And I love the church because it reminds me that's what the gospel is about. I don't think the church is perfect. I think it has flaws, I've been told many stories about the goodness it was founded on and I've been told stories about it being sketchy. It's run by humans, which is going to make it inherently flawed, but I don't even care. The church isn't important to me because it was restored in the 1800's. It isn't important to me because it unifies the members and proselytes to new people. It's important to me solely because it reminds me to be a better person, taking control of my life and trying to move forward.

You're welcome to disagree with me. I know people who don't think religion does a lot for the world. And we're still friends. What I believe is not their business and what they believe is not mine. But I did want to share what I believe to calm any concerns that seemed to possibly be budding. :) Love you, Mom.