But I'm only 22.

Ah, the Mormon culture. It makes me laugh.

School started up recently! My classes are pretty chill. A couple are pretty easy, one is totally a joke (unfortunately that's my criminalistics class, where I was really hoping for something a little more thorough than what I have) and the last one is a little intense, but it's interesting.

But. I have a funny story.

Last week I was riding the bus home on Thursday, and I saw one of my trek brothers, Daniel! It was exciting. We were talking and catching up, and he asks me if I'm dating right now. Which is not really a question I get very often, but I said, Not really. He asked me why not, and I'm starting to kinda wonder about his motives here... Is he going to ask me out? (The answer is no, he's not. He's just asking. He has a girlfriend in CA) But I didn't really know what to say to that, so I started rattling off something about not really having time, being busy with school and work, and then I decided to give a real answer.

Part of the reason I don't really date much is because most of the new guys I meet are Mormon (with the exception of my classmates, but that's an entirely different story). Now this is not a problem for me. I do not care if they are Mormon. What a strange thing for me to pick a bone with. Hey, I know I go to church every week and see you here all the time, you've probably sat in on some of my fantastic lessons, but you're one of those ones... so no thank you. Haha. That would just be the strangest.

However, it tends to be a problem for them. It's nothing personal, I know, and I'm not upset about this. But every time I meet a potential date, we'll start talking and he'll be interested and whatnot, but as he get to know more about me, he realizes I'm just not quite what he wants. Oh, you have tattoos? Oh, your ears are pierced? Huh. Well, I can work with that. Wait, you want more tattoos? And your shorts are how short? Tank tops, too, huh? Hmm... Etc etc. It's nothing personal against me, it's just that I'm not quite as Molly Mormon as they want me to be.

And I'm ok with this. It's up to them what they want, and if I don't line up, then I don't line up. And honestly, if I don't line up with what they want, they probably don't line up with what I want. Getting my tattoos was my choice, and if these are part of the consequences, I will gladly welcome it. (For the record, I'm sure not every Mormon guy is like this, but most of the ones I meet are. I can think of one guy who it wasn't a problem at all for.)

Anyway, so I told this to Daniel and he was so sad to hear that this is something I have to do deal with (which is refreshing, compared to the last person I talked to about it), haha, then he told me, "Don't worry. You'll find someone who's right for you."

Haha. Thank you. Only in the Mormon world would someone be consoling someone my age for not having found the person I want to marry, yet.

Be Brave.

I have a friend who is in love with the book Divergent. I also have a sister who read it and told me I should. So I kinda decided that someday I would, but I didn't exactly get a great recommendation (in fact, Scooter's exact words were, "you should read Divergent. It's a wee bit predictable, and some parts are super lame. Glowing review, right? You should read it.") so I wasn't particularly concerned about getting around to it.

And then it came out in movie form and a bunch of my church friends all saw it, my one friend who's in love with it saw it and posted about it, and everything, but I still didn't really care about it. I didn't actually even read the blog that went with it. I knew nothing about this book, but I decided it wasn't exactly my thing. Then Alli, my best friend since 3rd grade, listened to it on CD and she told me super vaguely about the plot, which interesting me enough to finally watch the movie.

I loved it. So much. We went to see it on the 7th, and I bought the first book, Divergent, that night. I had finals the study for and take the next week, so it took me a while to finish it, but I finally did around the 11th, and then immediately started Insurgent and finished it on the 16th, then started Allegiant and finished that yesterday.

Let me just start by saying that I don't love teen novels, especially the popular ones. I haven't read many of them (the only ones that come to mind are Hunger Games, The Mortal Instruments, and now Divergent. Oh, I guess Harry Potter, too, but that seems like an exception maybe since I didn't actually love reading the series until I got to the 5th book), but that's because I really dislike them. I always end up loving the stories, and usually I get really sucked in, but they're really... uh, how do I explain it... easy? They're an easy read, you don't have to think much, usually they're in first person (all the ones I listed are) and it bothers me. It makes me lazy. This isn't something I've always known about, I did have a blog a while back about how fantastic Hunger Games was. And after I finished that series, I wanted something else to read, and that's the first time I picked up His Dark Materials (which is so fantastic. I highly recommend it). But His Dark Materials is written better than Hunger Games, and I couldn't focus enough or use my brain enough to handle it. It was too thick. Which is embarrassing.

I dislike feeling like I can't handle something that "advanced." But every single time I've gotten into a teen series thing, that's without fail what happens. I can no longer focus on the better books. This is where I personally draw a line between a story and literature. If it's something that's easy to get into and doesn't require a lot of brain power, I just call it a story. If it's something that I actually can feel improving my cognitive skills, that's literature. There's just a difference.

All this said, I feel the exact same way about Veronica Roth's writing. There's nothing spectacular about it, and I had to engage myself with critiquing what she wrote as I read it to not fall into this trap. She had some entertaining dialogue, and there was like 1 or 2 sentences in the entire series that stood out to me. But, that's not a lot. 1 or 2? In 3 books? When I was reading The Way of Kings, I did not get through a full chapter before stopping and running upstairs to read a sentence to my mom, because I thought it was written so poetically. He seemed so cold. Like a shadow caused by heat and light falling on someone honorable and true, casting this black imitation behind. It was such a cool visual. Love it. And I just didn't get any love of the prose in Roth's stories.

However. The story was so good. I still do not love the way Roth writes. But her story was so well thought out and captivating that these characters won my heart, and I cried so hard at the end of it. Berserk once said that the ending for His Dark Materials made him really sad for the characters, but that was praise in itself, because he actually cared about what happened to them. I'd say it's similar here. The way the story is told might not be the best, but the story itself is so good that I genuinely cared about these characters and the ending destroyed me a little. PS, Mom would not want to read this one haha. She could probably hand the movies, though.


Honestly, maybe the story isn't all that captivating for everyone, but I loved it. Here's a quick run down of what drew me in so much. The story starts off in a place with factions. There's 5 of them and they each value something different. You're born into whatever faction your family is a part of, and the year you turn 16, you participate in the yearly Choosing Ceremony, where you decide upon a faction to live in for the rest of your life. There's a test you take to kind of help you figure out where you could belong, but the decision is yours to pick whatever you want. But the factions don't mix, so if you choose differently than you family, well.

Faction before blood. The factions are the most important things in your life. You swear to live a certain way, and nothing will break that bond. It's just not done. So the five factions are Abnegation (selflessness and serving), Amity (peace and harmony), Candor (honesty and truth), Erudite (knowledge and learning) and Dauntless (fearlessness and bravery). When Alli had finished reading this, she's going on telling me about how she thinks I would be Dauntless, which I just kinda nodded and went along with, pre-movie. While watching the movie, I realized how wrong she was. The Dauntless faction is really enticing, but there's no way I could do it. One of the things they do in the movie is just like, they climb things. I know I talk all the time about climbing and how much I love it, but I'm tied in. I trust the system, I trust my belayer, it's beautiful. I do not free climb things. The thought terrifies me. It makes my hands start sweating if I really think about free climbing. It's not my thing, it hasn't been for as long as I can remember. But that's like the first thing they do. They just free climb a bunch of scaffolding.

Anyway. The movie ends, and I feel really energized by watching the Dauntless this whole time, but really I think I'm more of an Erudite person. I get really excited to register for classes, I like to read, I'm pretty smart especially if I apply myself, my worst subject in history and I still pull a decent grade there. My second worst subject is the one I'm majoring in, and if I actually do a couple homework problems before taking the test, then I usually get over 100% on the test. So, I'm really looking at being Erudite. I love Alli, but she was wrong about me. But, the movie was really good, and while we were wondering around Flatirons, we found a second hand bookstore, and they had Divergent for pretty cheap, so I bought it and started reading it.

The difference is kinda amazing. I love the movie. I will own it when it comes out. And I think it did a really good job following the book. But actually reading the book and getting the extra details here and there about the factions, I started to see what Alli was saying.

The thing about Dauntless is that it represent the kind of person I always wanted to be. The kind of person that I think I could have been if I chose to hang out with those friends of mine more than these friends. And I think, if these factions were real, I would blend in well. I like to be loud, I like zip lines, I like climbing, I wear a lot of black, I have crazy colored hair... I mean, it just continues on. I would blend in well with them. But what about for how I act?

I never really thought of myself as particularly brave. And after a brief conversation about it, I learned that neither does Chaelomen. And after a long conversation about it, I learned my best friend Sara doesn't really see that as a quality that stands out about me. It was kinda heart breaking. I love everything about Dauntless. Everything. I would choose it in a heartbeat. I think I could also fit in with Erudite fairly well, but Dauntless would have been the more natural place for me. And yet, two people who I think know me fairly well wouldn't have even considered it a possibility so much.

It was just frustrating, and I talked to a couple of my other friends, and they think I could be in Dauntless, no problem. For the record, I know the factions are fictional, but the traits are real and asking which faction my friends see me in is a quick way to find out who they think I am. So, I guess it just depends who you ask. But it was helpful for me to see that how I want to be perceived doesn't quite line up with how I am perceived, and that will probably make me try to be better.

Even in just the little things, We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another. It's just beautiful, the things they believe. Overcoming your fears, not letting your fears take control of your life. Shouting for those who can only whisper, defending those who cannot defend themselves. I love it. And the way it all fits together, all the faction and the direction the story took, it was really impressive. It spoke to me almost directly, and that drew me in for the ride, and I cared about what happened in the story (similar to why I love Frozen, actually).

They always tell each other to be brave. Just, "Be brave, Tris," when they have to go through something scary. And Four's instructor always instructed him to adapt. Having a hard time with this? Adapt. Be better. I love it. Those are great things to hold on to. And it's actually a way I instruct my kids when I teach rock climbing, now that I think about it. "Be better, challenge yourself, have some integrity."

And I'm proud that I can love this story with my entire being, and still see its flaws. But the flaws don't hinder the story, the just don't enhance it.

   There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have every loved, for the sake of something greater.
   But sometimes it doesn't.
   Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through the pain, and the work of everyday, the slow walk toward a better life.

Good story. Definitely recommended. I guess a lot of people were mad at the ending and thought that Roth only ended it how she did to get a rise out of people, but I don't believe that. I think it was the way to end it. It was hard, but it was what had to happen. And it killed me. But it was good. It was right.


And now I'm onto the 2nd book in the Stormlight Archives! Yay :) (The first was The Way of Kings, and now it's Words of Radiance. only 8 more books to go! Brandon Sanderson just needs to write them.) ((oh, and in case anyone -coughBerserk- is wondering, I am still reading Song of Ice and Fire. And I still have my place marked in The Blade Itself for Rocky Reads. haha))

These whereabouts unknown. Please know you can come home.

Uhhh... tl;dr warning... haha.

This, friends, is all my introspective thoughts condensed into one glorious post haha. Just a heads up.

You know that moment where you're pretty sure your mom has read your blog and is worried, because she didn't post on the blog you wrote? Just me? This is just me trying to reiterate what I said in my last blog I wrote, but perhaps in a different way.

Some quick context for why I'm posting this-- I know my mom misses all the kids (for one because she tells us, but also because of all the random texts she sends that never were there before) and I know that she's worried about me specifically. This is something I have to deal with a lot being the youngest. Which is fine, that's the way life goes haha. But it's also been hard on her having so many of the kids leave the church, and I know she's worried I will too. As a mom, she's going to worry about us because she wants what's best for us and for us to be happy, and to the best of her knowledge, that's for us to be good strong members. She worries about everyone like this, but even more so for me. In part, it's just because I'm the youngest. But I think I've also been a bit of a wild card. We've actually talked about it a lot, and I wasn't the easiest child in the family. I specifically did what I was told I couldn't or shouldn't, I kept a lot of secrets from the family, all my best friends were not members, my favorite activities were not ever "typical Mormon" activities. I mean, I was a good kid. I did listen to my parents (even though I tried my hardest to make it look like I wasn't listening to them), and my friends are all good people, and it's not like was doing drugs or having sex with everything, but I'm just trying to explain that I was one of the most stressful children in the family.

My mom is also worried because there's a trend that all the kids in CO have stopped going to church, and the kids in UT have not. And I'm one of the kids in CO. And out of everyone in the family, I've been closest to Chaelomen for the longest. I mean, when I was younger, I worshiped him. I would have done anything for him, and I emulated his thoughts and interests. He was my hero and I liked what he liked and disliked what he disliked. We're still very close, but I'm proud to say that I'm my own person, and though we have similar interests, it is not my purpose in life to please him (haha, sorry, Maku). My thoughts are no more influenced by him than they would be by anyone else.

I just wanted to share this background to show that I understand why my mom would be concerned about me. Being so close to Chaelomen, it seems pretty fitting that I would just follow suit along with him. Especially living with him, it would be an extra concern. I imagine, looking at me, she (my mom) sees a lot of different paths that I could take, and shes worried that I'll take one that leads away from the church, because it's kinda always been the path I was heading down. I would guess she can also imagine me staying strong in the church, but probably part of her worries that the reason I stayed in the church ever was because I was at home, and that's what you do when you're at home.

I think I've explained this enough. I'm going to continue on with the story now haha.

I'm gonna be honest here, and this might be a story that I conveniently never mentioned to my parents. Aside from the times where I was working on Sundays, there was about a 2 and a half or 3 month period in my life where I didn't go to church. It was about 2 and half years ago, now. I was leaving for China, and I had a calling at church as the FHE committee chair, so I planned a weekly activity for the entire branch, and I worked really hard to make sure it was fun and the lesson was uplifting and unique. I loved that calling, by far my favorite so far. The last FHE I did before I left, I specifically asked everyone to come and say bye to me. That was the week I had the lowest turnout ever. Maybe 8 people came? But I tried to write it off. Maybe everyone would come see me at my going away party that I was having that Saturday. And then they didn't. A lot of people came and supported me and said bye, which was awesome. I had a lot of my friends and family and neighbors all come and wish me well. I loved it. But I had a lot of friends in the branch, and maybe 4 of them came to say bye. I was heartbroken by this and really bitter (probably a bit more bitter than I had right to be). Regardless, the first 2.5 to 3 months I was in China, I refused to go to church. I was angry that all these people I thought cared about me just ignored my big adventure, so I stayed home while my roommates all went to church, despite them begging me to join. I eventually came to the realization that I was being unfair and uh prideful maybe? That seems like the wrong word. Meh, the point is, I got over myself and remembered that I was going to church to please God, not because it convenienced me. It was a way to show respect, and I was being petty.

So that was my big physical inactive experience in my life. I lasted a whole 2 and half months. I've had other moments where I was going to church but my testimony was pretty nonexistent, and I've had moments where I wasn't going to church, but thriving. But the one time my testimony was struggling and I was choosing to not go to church because of it, I only made it 2.5 months before I felt genuinely bad that I was being so petty toward God.

Regarding the blog I posted the other day. I get the impression that it concerned my mom, like she thinks I might be slipping away from the gospel. Let me point out now that I'm not, at least I don't believe I am. I think my view of the gospel is/ was shifting and has been for a while. I can actually pinpoint when this started.

Time for another story that I don't think I've ever shared with my parents. I haven't shared it with many people. Almost 2 years ago I started working at the rec center. And there was a boy. I liked him a lot. He isn't Mormon, and in November he got a tattoo. Let me pause this story for a second to say that, despite me not having a lot of Mormon friends for most of my life, I owned being Mormon 100%. It was my entire identity. If there was nothing else I knew about myself, I at least knew I was LDS and proud of it, and as far as I knew, everyone knew it about me and it was how they defined me. That's Bridget, she's Mormon. The end, right? What else do you need to know? Alright, so this guy at work got a tattoo, and he showed me, then making some conversation, asked if I had any. I said no. He said, "Figures." So I followed with a vaguely sassy, "Do I look like I'd have tattoos?" and he responded with a shrug and a, "Yeah, kinda."

I really had no idea what to do with that. Took me completely aback. Up until that point in my life, whenever I'd had a conversation along those line, "Do I look like I'd [have this] [have that] [do that] [drink this] [go there]?" the reply was always, "No, you're right. You look Mormon." But here was someone who thought I looked like I could have tattoos. To him, I wasn't inherently Mormon. I was just Bridget. I realized at that moment that no one who I worked with knew I was Mormon. The only thing I knew about myself, no one there knew. And I work a lot, they all had plenty of time to get to know me, I consider myself close to a lot of them. I enjoyed their company and they enjoyed mine. They knew me, and liked who I was, without me being Mormon. The one thing that I knew defined me, the one thing that made my personality, they weren't even aware of, and yet they still liked me. And that's when I started to wonder, if I'm not Mormon, who am I?

I started questioning everything I knew, and unfortunately, I didn't even hint to my parents that I was wondering about everything I had been told for my whole life. When I was a kid, I didn't act like myself at home. I was reserved and quiet. But at school and among my friends, I was loud and wild and excitable. And for years and years, anything I did I would keep to myself. The good and the bad. I don't know why, it's just what I did. Because I could, I guess? That way, I could guarantee I wouldn't get in trouble for something. Not that I would have, I was a good kid, but I could guarantee it this way. And this is something that none of my siblings could have pulled off to the same degree I could. All of you had to deal with each other. You all went to school together, roughly the same age. If you did something at school, the siblings already knew and had the ability to tell mom and dad, so it was better for you to just be honest and tell them yourself, which gave you an opportunity to be honest and open with them. I don't really know that's how the boys grew up, but I watched Carolyn and Audrey live that way.

Anything I did was kept between me and my friends. My friends are on my side and they aren't going to rat me out to my family. So I was a very secretive child (which is probably why it's so easy for all y'all to ignore me when we get the family together now ;) it's how it was growing up, so despite how things have changed now, it's easy to go back to that if we get everyone together). And it was a scary and hard thing to open up to anyone in the family. But I did-- not entirely on my own, mom being the young women's president was pretty important to me ever opening up to her later in high school.

So. Since I was already in the habit of not telling the family things about me, despite trying to break through and be more open, I didn't tell my parents about anything that I was questioning. So I went on my own private adventure, thinking about who I am outside of being Mormon, and then consequently looking at the church and thinking about what I believe and do I believe that because I was told to or because I actually do. It was a big existentialist adventure. Why am I here, who am I, blaaah. Haha. And this is all something, I have complete faith, that I would have gone through eventually in my life. The signs have always kinda been there (when my testimony was at its strongest, I saw that and recognized it, and rejected it and not 2 months later my testimony was at its lowest. At the time, it didn't feel right), but that one little conversation with my coworker that he probably doesn't even remember was a catalyst for the experience. And I'm grateful that I was able to go through it and end up where I am now.

The problem now though is that I've had this major growth in my life, and I'm so happy with where I am, and I feel so at peace, but I haven't felt like I could tell anyone besides my friends because it didn't seem natural or like it fit in, since I had kept the confusion/trials that got me where I was to myself. 

But that's why I'm writing this blog now. I blogged a little bit about something that had been kinda tickling at my brain, almost hoping it would allow for the conversation to flow about this and I could share what I've learned finally. But that didn't pan out. Most of my "regular readers" are not commenting. I'm living with a couple of the regulars, a bunch of the regulars are busy with life, and the one that I think I wrote it for most (my mom) didn't reply, and honestly I think she didn't say anything because she was scared while looking at it. So the first part of this blog was describing briefly (yes, haha, that was a brief description) why I've gotten where I am, but I'm now going to go on and iterate what I actually do believe. Bear with me, I'm still figuring it all out. But, aren't we all?

I think the place I've gotten to most is looking at intent. Why did you do this or that? Why do we keep the sabbath day holy? Why do we follow the word of wisdom and the law of chastity? Why did my one friend make decisions that allowed her to get pregnant? All the commandments that we're given in the church can be simmered down to two real commandments-- Love thy God with all your heart might mind and strength, and love thy neighbor as thyself. So if we have those, why do we need the law of chastity? Why do we need to not kill?

Once, I was taught that when Moses was up on his mount talking to God, he came down with those two commandments for all this people to follow. And they couldn't handle it. They just weren't in a place where they could handle Loving God and Loving their Neighbors, and actually abide by it. My little interpretation there is that they didn't have the integrity or understanding of what that would actually mean. So Moses smashes the two commandments in frustration and goes back up to his mount and talks with God some more, and then comes back down with the ten commandments. And the people are handling those better. But eventually, they start putting weird restraints on the commandments. Like number 4, thou shalt keep the Sabbath Day holy, was interpreted as a restraint on how many steps you can take, going to church, not laboring in any way... To the point that when Christ comes and heals someone on the Sabbath, everyone's freaking out like, "Whoa there, Jesus. You can't do that, it's breaking the Sabbath." And then he has to be all, "What? No, hang on. Just, that's not what it means. Look guys, there's a higher law than 'don't labor,'" and that's when Jesus explains the higher law which everyone tried to do and abide by (except for the whole rejecting-the-Christ thing and all that) eventually.

So connecting that back to today-- or or or. should I say likening, eh eh? 1 Nephi scripture mastery? yeah haha-- Christ wasn't concerned so much with their strict rules of how to keep the Sabbath holy, but with the spirit of it. And that's where I'm standing right now. There's a lot of commandments that we have today in the church, and I've been concerning myself with why we have them and how I can have high integrity with living the real spirit of the law. The word of wisdom is about being healthy. Keeping the Sabbath day is about respect. I could continue, but I don't think I need all the specific examples. If you have any questions on my stances on anything, I'd be happy to expound.

But another important key that I've found for myself is the spirit with which you do something. For example, when I worked at Target, I worked Sundays, but I told them I was only available after 5 (a half hour after church ended). And the time frame that I worked at Target was right after I was at my spiritual high and then rejected it. Working at Target, I didn't do anything to try to make my life better or spiritually uplifting. I just continued on rejecting my high spiritual level, but going to church. I might have been physically at church, but I was so mentally not in the gospel it's almost unbelievable. Working at the rec center, I regularly work Sundays all day, unable to go to church. I don't really have to necessarily. My boss is cool and would probably accept it just fine if I told her I couldn't work Sundays. But I don't want to tell her that. I love my job and I'm grateful for any time they'll have me work there. Conversely, I was in a happier place in general and wasn't going to work on Sunday to spite anyone, but just because that's what the job asked me to do. And I don't think my faith has wavered at all because of it. It was all about why I was working on a Sunday and how I was choosing to feel.

And the last thing I've learned for myself-- which started very much in China-- was learning to love other people. Love them for their similarities, love them for their differences. Love them and serve them. It's by far the most important thing to me. Which is a large part of why I want to return to China, to serve the people again. Not just the locals-- though that was a great part of it previously-- but also to serve the teachers I'm overseeing. To help them and love them and become better. It's why I love my job so much, because it is constantly about serving people and helping them to better themselves and giving them skills they can use their whole life. And I think service comes in all sorts of different ways. Whether it's listening to someone who needs an ear, or watching someone's kids for a while, giving someone a ride somewhere, doing yard work for people, smiling at a stranger... whatever it is. Anything to make someone feel better. Even if that was only by acknowledging them and making them feel like they were noticed for a couple moments, it was a good piece of service.

Actually, one more thing that I think goes along with my last point. Is to not judge others. That one is one I've thought forever. I've written papers on it, given lessons on it, talked in church about it. It seems serving others and not judging them are pretty intricately tied together. But how someone decides to live their life is not something I'm going to concern myself on. They are living the way they see fit, and I don't think I'm in a position to look down on them. I don't know their life and they have reasons for doing what they're doing, and I'm not God. I don't know if it actually is wrong. So I'm not going to pretend. I'm going to let them do whatever they are going to do. And take the opportunity to do the same for myself. Live how I see fit, inviting others to not tell me I'm wrong. But for myself, I know I want to improve and help others and change the world.

In the end, I think that's what the gospel is about. I love it, and I feel so happy and peaceful being here. I like my Heavenly Father supports me being here. This is what's good. And I love the church because it reminds me that's what the gospel is about. I don't think the church is perfect. I think it has flaws, I've been told many stories about the goodness it was founded on and I've been told stories about it being sketchy. It's run by humans, which is going to make it inherently flawed, but I don't even care. The church isn't important to me because it was restored in the 1800's. It isn't important to me because it unifies the members and proselytes to new people. It's important to me solely because it reminds me to be a better person, taking control of my life and trying to move forward.

You're welcome to disagree with me. I know people who don't think religion does a lot for the world. And we're still friends. What I believe is not their business and what they believe is not mine. But I did want to share what I believe to calm any concerns that seemed to possibly be budding. :) Love you, Mom.

And for this, I will travel in darkness for what seems like days.

Goodness. I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. And not even for a good reason. I've just been busy with school and so obviously, instead of actually doing my school work, I've instead been wasting my life away on facebook and iwastesomuchtime and all those good old sites. And this post isn't even all that exciting, it's just one really really long confession. Probably not the first of its kind, either.

I think the biggest mistake I've made this semester (and actually it's probably the biggest mistake I've made in years, if not longer) was thinking, "Wait, since I'm still a chem major, none of these classes are actually important for graduation." I did just stop at thinking that. I believed it with my entire heart. If I'm only taking linguistics classes this semester, it doesn't really matter how I do in them. And I find the subject interesting, but I don't care about how my grades look, I just want to learn the material. And I understand the material fine, so what do I care if I don't do the homework. I'm getting 100% or more on all my tests, so skipping the busywork is really really ok with me. Yeah... Maybe if the homework was only work 5% of my overall grade, that would have been an acceptable thought process but alas, homework is worth quite a lot of my grade in all of my classes.

So that leads me to the end of this semester, thinking about what kind of a GPA I'm looking at this semester, thinking about how much effort I've put into my classes, and for the first time in my life, I'm actually really disappointed in myself. My grades have slipped terribly this semester. In fact, they've been slipping since college started, but it's been drastic this semester. And why? Because I didn't feel like doing homework because it would take up some of my time. Time that I wasn't spending on doing important things. I have actually chosen to not do homework so I could instead listen to music and play sudoku on my phone. And I'm really sickened to think of the consequences this has and will bring to me.

Recently, I've been thinking back to high school. There were plenty of things that I did in high school that I didn't actually enjoy, but I did them anyway. I did my homework well before it was due until senior year, when I started to slip just a little because I had a ton of cop out classes. I stuck with marching band for all 4 years, even though I wasn't enjoying it anymore after the first year. I spent 3 years working on my EMR even though I hated being an emergency responder. I woke up for early morning seminary almost everyday for 4 years but I liked seminary. Just not the sleep deprivation that went with it, despite being really incredibly ridiculously sleep deprived all the time.

I am amazed at all of the self discipline I had. I don't know that it was healthy to spend so much time doing so many things that I really didn't enjoy (I mean, at least 85% of my memories from those 4 years are during seminary, school, band, or doing EMR things), but I do think it was good character. And this last semester? It's embarrassing and shameful to the point that I actually don't want to discuss what kinds of things I did wrong, just because in the moment, I didn't really feel like it.

This is actually something that has taken a really serious toll on my self esteem, and I can name exactly why, thanks to an awesome church leader who gave me The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens when I turned 12. I currently still have that book packed from the move, so I can't remember the habit that addresses this specifically, but it compared your self worth to a bank account, and the "money" that you put in or take out is promises. If you keep a promise to yourself, that's a deposit and you increase your self worth. If you break a promise to yourself that's a withdrawal and it decreases your self worth. The bigger the promise, the more it effects you, but little promises add up quickly one way or the other.

I think a semester at school creates a lot of different promises that can affect this if you choose to let it (and I would hypothesize that most of us default to accept these promises). Each homework assignment would be a promise. Each test would as well. Study sessions, getting good grades, attending lecture, taking notes. All of this is important. Maybe not everyone thinks like this, actually, but I know I do. Some of these things are little promises-- lecture, notes, homework-- and some are bigger-- tests, projects, grades.

And this semester, breaking so many many promises has really killed my self worth, to say the least. But I think it's been good, in a really backwards way. My first semester at school I got straight A's. The next semester I had A A A B B C. That summer I had A B B. I took the fall off. I don't remember what my grades have been since, but I trust you can see a pattern. I've actually checked it in my transcripts and my grades have been dropping slowly but steadily since I started. The thing was that I never cared. They were always good enough for me.

I would call this semester, especially in terms of GPA, rock bottom. I don't have my final grades yet (I haven't even finished finals) but I do know that I'm not looking at something pleasant. And for once, whatever I get won't be good enough because I know I can do better. I'm better than D's and C's. I'm better than B's. As humbly as it can be said, I'm pretty smart. My biggest problem with chemistry is actually having to study a little and do some of the homework problems before I really understand it and can do really well on tests. It actually wasn't until I was talking to Chaelomen and he pointed out to me that most students have to study like crazy to understand these concepts and pull good grades that I realized I was so gifted here. I could have been a straight A student for all of my college career.

For probably the first time since I was a junior in high school, I actually feel like I'm gaining some self discipline back. I'm looking at my GPA and I know I can raise it to be a 3.5 or so, and I'm thankful that I haven't completely screwed myself over, but I wish I had known when I started college that I was better than this.

I guess with this change of heart, it's now about finding the silver linings. I've already royally messed up this semester, and with not hitting this point until finals week, there really isn't anything I can do to fix that. But I'm pretty sure that I at least haven't completely screwed up my financial aid, so I can still do classes next semester. Though this was the thinking that got me in so deep, at least I'm not failing anything I need for my degree (and there's even a vague vague possibility I won't fail anything). The classes I've done worst in during my college life are ones that I can take again to replace the grade. I'm not only excited for my classes and to learn, but I'm excited to do well in them and spend my time studying for them and doing the homework and really improving my GPA.

Right now, I'm really just grateful that I haven't messed up my future completely. But I've come dangerously close. I think part of the problem is that I keep forgetting why I'm going to college. Lately I've just sorta been viewing it as this thing I unjustly have to do because "a bachelor's degree is the new high school diploma" and I've really lost the desire to do well so I can have a career. To help combat that, I think I'm going to make it a point to go on more ridealongs. I've been on the one, and it was one of the best nights of my life, so I want to make it a point to go those as often as I can, even looking into other cities. That should help me get through the times where school seems like a long and daunting process.

I've also found the coolest of websites (more cool to me than superherostuff.com or great-salsa.com) that lists all of the crime scene investigation jobs currently open in the US. Just finding that and seeing the applications makes my dreams seem a little more real. And then I might also couple that with checking the salary it pays and looking at apartments in the local area I'd be able to afford on rent.com. Over preparation? Probably, considering I don't have my BA yet. But it's also some very real motivation.

Mm. Yes. To my core, I'm trying to become a better person. Someone with more integrity and intrinsic motivation. And I might be ready for this ride.

10 Things

So, MJ. Ten things you probably don't know about me... I think this will actually be pretty hard.

1- While I was in China, we ALWAYS had free time. We only worked for 3-4 hours a day, and then we were done. Yet somehow, we still couldn't make it through the day without a nap.
2- Now that I'm back home, I rarely have free time because I have so many credits [16] at school. But I wouldn't want to take less than what I have (or more-- already made that mistake). I'm a hardcore nerd. I love learning. One of my favorite classes this semester is physics. And even with that class, I desperately miss my chem classes.
3- I love foreign languages. And I'm pretty good at them. In high school, I took French, and now in college, I'm taking Chinese. I hope to learn Chinese a little better when I go back to China next year, then when I come home, I want to take ASL at Metro. And eventually, just so I can get better at French, I'd like to buy Rosetta Stone.
Oh yeah. This doesn't count as another number, but I think about half of you probably don't know. I'm going back to China next year, if I get accepted back into the program. I'll leave late Jan/early Feb, and come home the 3rd week of June. Chances are very good I won't be in the country when I turn 21. I find this totally acceptable.
4- Sometimes, I really miss having super short hair that I can spike, but I don't want to cut it, because I want long hair for my wedding. I don't even have a boyfriend, but I'm growing my hair out for my wedding. Haha. Yes, I know I'm ridiculous.
5- I don't watch movies, apparently. It never fails to surprise someone that I haven't seen Star Wars or Indiana Jones. Or Elf. My roommates tried to get me to watch Elf, but when they downloaded it, it was too jumpy to watch (I think it's a sign). But I'm not opposed to watching these movies, just no one has ever sat me down to watch them.
6- I never thought I was a "typical college student" food-wise. You know, always eating ramen and nutella and frozen pizza. I mean, I know how to cook. Grilled chicken, Chinese food, tacos. All the awesome stuff. It wasn't until mom and dad were at Disney World for a week when I realized, despite KNOWING how to cook, it was days before I ate anything that I couldn't cook in less than 2 minutes.
7- I really love learning. I think, after I graduate, I'd like to continue going to school forever. Just taking a couple classes a semester. Again, I know, I'm a nerd.
8- When I watch movies with my friends, we dig into them and pull out really philosophical meanings. I don't necessarily think the directors intended for us to do that, but it's what we do. (Come to find out, Moulin Rouge is very deep ha.)
9- It actually makes me really sad when I let someone over (while driving) and they don't wave at me. Such a simple gesture.
10- All this new technology really freaks me out. I don't like feeling like I have to have my phone on me all the time. Some of my friends literally can't have a conversation with me without checking their phone, and that makes me sad for them. I wish I wrote to people more often. It's so much more awesome than emailing. Facebook literally steals souls from people. Except I think "steal" is too harsh. I'm pretty sure the souls it has were willingly given up.
And despite not liking all these advances, I still do find them really convenient. But their convenience is such a trap! Can't we just be independent?
And there's my 10 things. I tag everyone who hasn't done it yet.