And for this, I will travel in darkness for what seems like days.

Goodness. I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. And not even for a good reason. I've just been busy with school and so obviously, instead of actually doing my school work, I've instead been wasting my life away on facebook and iwastesomuchtime and all those good old sites. And this post isn't even all that exciting, it's just one really really long confession. Probably not the first of its kind, either.

I think the biggest mistake I've made this semester (and actually it's probably the biggest mistake I've made in years, if not longer) was thinking, "Wait, since I'm still a chem major, none of these classes are actually important for graduation." I did just stop at thinking that. I believed it with my entire heart. If I'm only taking linguistics classes this semester, it doesn't really matter how I do in them. And I find the subject interesting, but I don't care about how my grades look, I just want to learn the material. And I understand the material fine, so what do I care if I don't do the homework. I'm getting 100% or more on all my tests, so skipping the busywork is really really ok with me. Yeah... Maybe if the homework was only work 5% of my overall grade, that would have been an acceptable thought process but alas, homework is worth quite a lot of my grade in all of my classes.

So that leads me to the end of this semester, thinking about what kind of a GPA I'm looking at this semester, thinking about how much effort I've put into my classes, and for the first time in my life, I'm actually really disappointed in myself. My grades have slipped terribly this semester. In fact, they've been slipping since college started, but it's been drastic this semester. And why? Because I didn't feel like doing homework because it would take up some of my time. Time that I wasn't spending on doing important things. I have actually chosen to not do homework so I could instead listen to music and play sudoku on my phone. And I'm really sickened to think of the consequences this has and will bring to me.

Recently, I've been thinking back to high school. There were plenty of things that I did in high school that I didn't actually enjoy, but I did them anyway. I did my homework well before it was due until senior year, when I started to slip just a little because I had a ton of cop out classes. I stuck with marching band for all 4 years, even though I wasn't enjoying it anymore after the first year. I spent 3 years working on my EMR even though I hated being an emergency responder. I woke up for early morning seminary almost everyday for 4 years but I liked seminary. Just not the sleep deprivation that went with it, despite being really incredibly ridiculously sleep deprived all the time.

I am amazed at all of the self discipline I had. I don't know that it was healthy to spend so much time doing so many things that I really didn't enjoy (I mean, at least 85% of my memories from those 4 years are during seminary, school, band, or doing EMR things), but I do think it was good character. And this last semester? It's embarrassing and shameful to the point that I actually don't want to discuss what kinds of things I did wrong, just because in the moment, I didn't really feel like it.

This is actually something that has taken a really serious toll on my self esteem, and I can name exactly why, thanks to an awesome church leader who gave me The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens when I turned 12. I currently still have that book packed from the move, so I can't remember the habit that addresses this specifically, but it compared your self worth to a bank account, and the "money" that you put in or take out is promises. If you keep a promise to yourself, that's a deposit and you increase your self worth. If you break a promise to yourself that's a withdrawal and it decreases your self worth. The bigger the promise, the more it effects you, but little promises add up quickly one way or the other.

I think a semester at school creates a lot of different promises that can affect this if you choose to let it (and I would hypothesize that most of us default to accept these promises). Each homework assignment would be a promise. Each test would as well. Study sessions, getting good grades, attending lecture, taking notes. All of this is important. Maybe not everyone thinks like this, actually, but I know I do. Some of these things are little promises-- lecture, notes, homework-- and some are bigger-- tests, projects, grades.

And this semester, breaking so many many promises has really killed my self worth, to say the least. But I think it's been good, in a really backwards way. My first semester at school I got straight A's. The next semester I had A A A B B C. That summer I had A B B. I took the fall off. I don't remember what my grades have been since, but I trust you can see a pattern. I've actually checked it in my transcripts and my grades have been dropping slowly but steadily since I started. The thing was that I never cared. They were always good enough for me.

I would call this semester, especially in terms of GPA, rock bottom. I don't have my final grades yet (I haven't even finished finals) but I do know that I'm not looking at something pleasant. And for once, whatever I get won't be good enough because I know I can do better. I'm better than D's and C's. I'm better than B's. As humbly as it can be said, I'm pretty smart. My biggest problem with chemistry is actually having to study a little and do some of the homework problems before I really understand it and can do really well on tests. It actually wasn't until I was talking to Chaelomen and he pointed out to me that most students have to study like crazy to understand these concepts and pull good grades that I realized I was so gifted here. I could have been a straight A student for all of my college career.

For probably the first time since I was a junior in high school, I actually feel like I'm gaining some self discipline back. I'm looking at my GPA and I know I can raise it to be a 3.5 or so, and I'm thankful that I haven't completely screwed myself over, but I wish I had known when I started college that I was better than this.

I guess with this change of heart, it's now about finding the silver linings. I've already royally messed up this semester, and with not hitting this point until finals week, there really isn't anything I can do to fix that. But I'm pretty sure that I at least haven't completely screwed up my financial aid, so I can still do classes next semester. Though this was the thinking that got me in so deep, at least I'm not failing anything I need for my degree (and there's even a vague vague possibility I won't fail anything). The classes I've done worst in during my college life are ones that I can take again to replace the grade. I'm not only excited for my classes and to learn, but I'm excited to do well in them and spend my time studying for them and doing the homework and really improving my GPA.

Right now, I'm really just grateful that I haven't messed up my future completely. But I've come dangerously close. I think part of the problem is that I keep forgetting why I'm going to college. Lately I've just sorta been viewing it as this thing I unjustly have to do because "a bachelor's degree is the new high school diploma" and I've really lost the desire to do well so I can have a career. To help combat that, I think I'm going to make it a point to go on more ridealongs. I've been on the one, and it was one of the best nights of my life, so I want to make it a point to go those as often as I can, even looking into other cities. That should help me get through the times where school seems like a long and daunting process.

I've also found the coolest of websites (more cool to me than superherostuff.com or great-salsa.com) that lists all of the crime scene investigation jobs currently open in the US. Just finding that and seeing the applications makes my dreams seem a little more real. And then I might also couple that with checking the salary it pays and looking at apartments in the local area I'd be able to afford on rent.com. Over preparation? Probably, considering I don't have my BA yet. But it's also some very real motivation.

Mm. Yes. To my core, I'm trying to become a better person. Someone with more integrity and intrinsic motivation. And I might be ready for this ride.