This week on Samara makes bad choices...

Ah, the adult world. I actually kind of like it.

Recently my nephew told me that he thinks I'm a really cool adult.  And that strikes me as about the coolest compliment I could ever receive.

Also recently my brother has made fun of the choices I make as "not good" haha. I take no offense to this, but I'm pretty sure that these two ideas are not completely disconnected.

For those of you who don't know, I recently switched jobs many times. When I got home from China [take two!] I got my job back at the rec center, then got a second job working at a used book store.  My boss there is beyond fantastic and has gone to great lengths to give me hours and work with my schedule.  She's great.  But it wasn't enough money, so I also accepted a third part time job working for another branch of the recreation department in Broomfield, and then I proceeded to try and balance 16 credits at school and 3 part time jobs.  I spent every waking moment of my day at work or school or driving from to the other.  I would get home at 10/11 at night and then get food together for the next day and sleep and hopefully shower somewhere in there so I could wake up and be out of the house by 4:45 the next morning.

It made school hard.  I think I could have been more successful on that front, but about a month into the semester I started to burn out so I spent the next two/three weeks blowing off most of my classes and then spent the rest of the semester trying to catch up and found myself, fairly consistently, behind by two/three weeks. Shocker.

However, the semester still ended alright, with me not failing anything! I do have to talk to my adviser and possibly retake o chem 1, but that's not the end of the world and I still consider the entire semester a success.

Another thing that was not helpful, though, was that right during the middle of one of my last tests in o chem, I decided that would be the perfect time to quit my job at the rec center and start working deicing planes instead.  So I had a lot of training that I had to skip certain classes to go to, and it limited my ability to study for certain o chem tests... whoops.  Oh well. It happens. At least it's just one test?

Nah, turns out I don't really like the idea of my income being dependent on the weather and how cold it is, so I ended up leaving the job and getting a new one right in the middle of finals week. Whoops again... I sense a trend.  Anyway, I started working as an airplane detailer, cleaning the outside of Frontier's planes with an outside contracted company, and that was kinda fun!

Whoops, did I just past-tense that? It was kinda fun? Yeah. Yeah I did say that.

See, despite being fun, the company I worked for was also incredibly manipulative.  Despite liking the work well enough and enjoying my coworkers' company, I had to get out.  The scheduling and the constant talking-behind-your-back and the endless guilt trips were just not working out for me.  Not to mention that during all of this, I'm still at the bookstore and my hours were being cut there (which I couldn't afford) and so I'm trying everything I can think of to schedule hours there so it doesn't conflict with the airplane job, which is incredibly difficult, given that's an ever-changing schedule... And basically I just ended up working during the night and the day, and sleeping for maybe a half hour at a time between the two.  I possibly could have gotten more sleep, but I wanted to make sure I was awake for the puppy and taking him out and actually being a decent pet-owner.

I'm sorry, did I say puppy? You mean in all of this mess, I decided it would be a good idea to adopt a baby dog?

Yeah. Yeah, that's about the size of it.  So I adopted this dog.  He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.  His name is Caffrey, and he is the most obedient and loving dog I've ever met.  He gets the hiccups a lot.  We're working on training still.  He's a little skittish sometimes.  But he's the best decision I think I've ever made.

So I got a new job.  I now work at a halfway house (name will not be disclosed) and it's actually really fun.  I work in security, so I check residents in and out all day, do head counts, monitor their med intake, administer breathalyzers, do room and person searches, picking up clients from jails, etc etc.  It's a good time! I'm enjoying it a lot so far.  It's only been two days, but I have a good feeling about it.

But I'm also still at the bookstore, working there on my days off from the halfway house.  And honestly, I just feel incredibly lucky that I'm not working both jobs on the same day anymore.

I recently moved into an apartment by myself-- well, me and the dog-- and I can see how that might have been a less-than-wise decision.  That's a lot of rent I have to make by myself now. But. I have a place I can call home, too.  I'm not in someone's way or causing anyone an inconvenience by living here.  And I feel like that's not something I've been able to say for at least 2 and half years, so I'm grateful to be here.

What other poor decisions have I made recently...

Oh yes.  I had almost decided to not go back to school.  I couldn't afford it this semester so I'm off right now, and I was thinking really hard about not going back at all.  Don't worry-- I've recently found the drive to finish off school.  I'm almost done.  And though I have such little interest in continuing taking classes at this point, I am interested in getting my degree, so I'll stick it out for a little while longer.  I only have 5 more classes to take, and I haven't decided if I'll do one over the summer and then two in fall and two in the spring OR one per semester until the end of 2017, but one of those two options.  And then I won't be staying at my job because it's all I could get, but I'll be able to stay at my current job as long as I find it fun, then get something completely in my field.

[[This doesn't fall into decision making very much, but I've also got some cool new people in my life!  All the friends I've had for the past 10 years seem to be living in our hometown area still, and I seem to have moved a bit farther south.  Not terribly far, but far enough that I'm not really considered in their plans most of the time.  I still get invited up for the bigger events, but the little things like going to the movies is not something they ask me if I want to do anymore.  And that kinda stings.  I understand it, and I don't fault them, and we're obviously still friends, but it's not the same as it was.  So I also find myself to be incredibly lucky to have new friends who live near me that want to go climbing and hang out, or friends (who I met at the plane job) that might live a little farther but are completely willing to make the drive and hang out.  It's been really nice to have some people who are proving to be constant in my life.]]


And poor choices though these may be, I love them.  I haven't always made decisions that appeared to others to be bad.  I've done the "responsible thing" for most of my life.  Someone told me I should go to school, so I did.  Someone told me I should get a degree in something responsible/realistic, so I went for that.  Someone told me to be smarter and make better decisions and to not worry about living on my own, but to just get through school, so I tried.  Just live with family and do whatever you have to to make it through school.  And I gave it a shot.  But it just dragged me into this cage of someone else's life and someone else's dream that I shouldn't have been living.  Everything that I've done recently has been a decision I made for myself.  They might not be the most responsible choices, but they haven't been the more irresponsible either.  But the thing I cannot stress enough is that they were my decisions.

I've really felt like my life was a living hell for a long time.  I was in a place that I thought I'd never get out of.  I thought I was the problem, I was the reason I was so miserable.  Something I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't figure out what I needed to change to make things better.  Turns out I was just too focused on what other people defined success as and what other people thought would be the right thing to do in my life.  I trapped myself in that cage.  Until I started making decisions recently that felt right to me, no thought of what anyone else thinks about it.

And now I just feel free.


Today I got to pick up some people from a jail to come to the halfway house and they were so excited to get out of there.  They wouldn't have to hear the heavy doors slamming shut anymore, they would actually be able to put their own wallet in their back pocket again... When we walked outside and one of them got some fresh air, he said, "You smell that? It's freedom! It smells so good!"

And he's right.  It smelled great.

Aaand this is why I'm a chemist.

One time, whilst in China, we were eating this vegetable that they had served us for lunch. At the time, I had no idea what the vegetable was, but I've since learned it's called bok choy and you can buy it at most grocery stores. This pleases me exceedingly, but I digress.

For some reason (which I may learn about at some point over the next year in o chem) this particular batch tasted a little off. All my girls and I were discussing how not-great it tasted, and I was sitting there, looking at Megan (my friend from p chem last year) and I said, "You know what it is? It tastes really basic. Yes." That was the end of it in my head, and I was so happy to have finally, after eating like half of our serving, placed what was weird about it. It tasted way more basic than it usually does. I guess it's more acidic usually.

Anyway, Megan is a double major in chem and bio, so she nodded and replied back, "Yeah, it does taste a little more bitter than usual."

Bitter. Haha. As soon as she said it, I knew I had used a unique term. Still correct, but the normal thing to say would have been bitter. And yet that word just did not come to my brain, at all, and I was totally satisfied at having thought of the word basic instead.

But you know, I still am satisfied with it! It just accentuates my working knowledge. Haha.

Moral of the story: bases taste bitter, and as a fun bonus, acids taste sour. Hence lemons. And apparently I will always have chemistry on the brain for the rest of my life.

Bitter.

Sometimes I feel like an adult, sometimes I feel like a student.

Today those happen to overlap!

I just wanted to say that I'm so proud of myself for buying used textbooks from amazon. I imagine I saved around 50% by doing that. And as a bonus, I'm relatively certain that I'll use the same textbooks this semester as next. I might have to buy one new one, but the other two should be the same!

Hooray. :) And I get paid soon, so that's fantastic. And by "soon," I mean in like 3 weeks.

Success!

A successful moment in my life:

Today I was walking home from school and a lady was in front of me who had some sweet shoes, so I said, "I like your shoes! 我喜欢你的写！" and she understood! Hooray.

(Side note, I don't actually know the character for shoes, so swype might have led me astray.)


Second successful moment in my life:

Today I was helping Chelsey fine tune her teaching and talk more about the details of objects as we were on a break between class. We were in her classroom and I was just picking up various objects she had been using in teaching, taking about the details of them. Wow, look at this racket! Its strings are horizontal and vertical! Listen, ssh ssh. Did you hear that? When I pluck it, it makes a sound! These details have nothing to do with the lesson, but they're important to talk through. At this point, Jimmy (from the story yesterday) came back in the class to hang out. And look at the feathers on this birdie! They're soft, can you feel it? And this tip is rounded! Oh, it's also soft can you feel it? And wow, look, it has a stripe!
Jimmy joins in, "It has a stripe!"
"Yeah, and hey Jimmy, come here, there's a stripe on your uniform!" He looks down in amazement. "What about me, do I have a stripe?"
"No. No stripe."
"Yeah, there's no stripes on my clothes. What about Teacher Chelsey?"
"No stripes."
"She has no stripes, either!"
"She has no stripes either!"

It was perfect. He modeled everything exactly like he would have in class, and he engaged in it on his own, I didn't prompt him to chime in until he decided he wanted to. What a cute little powerful demonstration for Chelsey on how easy it can be to keep the kiddos engaged. :)

All y'all can continue to be jealous.

Ender's Game is paying off!

Looking back, my blog recently has been so introspective! And as fun as that is for me, probably about now would be a great time for something lighter. Time for a China story!

This one is from March 17th! St. Patrick's Day :)

We have a slightly different set up student-wise than when I was in Nanlang. In Nanlang, there were 9 children total. Two in the youngest group, four in the middle and three in the oldest, and the three of us teachers taught all of them. Here in Xiaolan, there are 26 in the youngest, 26 in the middle, and 27 in the oldest. Three of our teachers are dedicated to just teaching the youngest kids (ages 3-4) and the other six teachers teach all of the middle/older kids (ages 4-6). Each class has 8 or 9 kids in it, and all of the kids are awesome, particularly our older kids.

In the older class, we have some really awesome speakers. My story today comes from one sweetheart named Jimmy. I actually started out the semester not liking him a ton (he thought it would be fun to squish up my face. I thought otherwise), but he grew on me really quickly! He's a good little kid. Very smart and considerate-- as soon as he realized I don't like the face smushing, he stopped-- and he wants to be a good kid, so he'll obey you and follow the rules adamantly.

Well on St. Patrick's Day, I was sitting in his class watching Chelsey teach, and she was handing out token bags to all the kids. They each have their own token bag that has their name on it, and as the kids get stickers, a lot of them like to decorate their bags with said stickers. One girl, Lucia, didn't have her token bag. Which is weird, we're the ones who keep them, so it was just MIA, and it actually had been since the day before. I looked around and couldn't find it, so we were just taking the token bag of one girl who hadn't been here in a while and flipping her name tag over and letting Lucia use it for the day.

I was writing Lucia's name on the paper and decorating it a little, drawing the four suits of a deck of cards on it, and Jimmy would turn around to watch me. He kept saying, "Lucia token bag snow," and I'm sitting here like, "Yeah, this is Lucia's token bag, and sure, I suppose that club looks a like a snowflake." Haha. But he was so insistent! Lucia token bag, snow! I mean, dang Jimmy, I'm not a bad artist, this is clearly not a snowflake.

When I was satisfied with the name, I handed the token bag to Lucia, and Jimmy was still stressing out a bit, not paying attention to class at all, and at this point he tries telling Chelsey. "Lucia token bag! Snowman! Token bag!" Chelsey's trying to teach a class and her class has nothing to do with snowmen, so she's a touch confused and just writes Jimmy off. "Yes, that's Lucia's token bag today," and moves on. Which is totally understandable, I don't fault her at all. But he seemed a little disheartened, and I realized it was probably because he knows where her token bag is and we're just not listening well enough. As his attention shifted back to class, I left them and went looking through all our props, looking for anything that might be vaguely snowman related. Bags, hats, puppets... nothing.

After our first class with the middle and older kids, we have a water break, so I took that time to find Jimmy. At this point, he has already moved on from whatever he was trying to say, and he was just enjoying his break. But I grabbed Chelsey to come listen and then pulled him aside and got down on his level--

"Hey Jimmy, where is Lucia's token bag?" He looks at down at his.
"Token bag."
"Yeah, but where's Lucia's?" and I find her across the room and point at her. "Do you know?" He nods and starts thinking. After a few seconds, I start getting nervous. I know this kid knows, but his silence is unsettling. He communicated with me, I understood him! Just not well enough, and I'm starting to lose conviction that he knows.
Then he pops his head up. "Yesterday, a snowman bag."

I look up at Chelsey, "Do you have a snowman bag?"
She pauses for a second, "Yeah, I do! I had it yesterday!"
"Is it here?!"
"No it's back at the apartment."
I nod, "It's in there." And then I thanked Jimmy and he went back along his way.

It was the coolest. Later we went back to their apartment for a meeting and the first thing I did was make Chelsey check for the bag, and sure enough it was there. I was so proud, in part because this little kid had knowledge he needed to share in another language and he was able to, but also because no one else really seemed to think he would know or try to work with him. He's just a kid, right, barely 6 years old, what does he know?

But I was able to listen to him! I've read Ender's Game, I know how it is. And it was such a proud moment in my life to be able to work with this little genius. Bah! I love it.

Sometimes, my job is kinda cool. And now you can all be jealous.

The reality of Choice and Accountability.

So I'm in China. Alive and well. If you want pictures, you'll have to check out facebook. If you want stories, I will hopefully get around to telling some here, but also feel free to email or text me. I've been journaling a bunch while I'm here, and I meant to blog too, but my computer's battery promptly died upon being back here, so I have to blog from my phone, and that's a tough way to type haha. But I'm struggling through it right now, so maybe you'll hear from me again before too long.

The thing I want to talk about today actually has nothing to do with China. I just wanted to share something that I think is very important. There was a long thought process behind this (starting with some stupid article I found on facebook that made me worry for a minute that I might be a disappointment to my mom and dad), but this is the end result:

I am comfortable with who I am and the life I live and most of the choices I've made. I don't see eye to eye with some of the LDS teachings, and I love some of the LDS teachings. I'm grateful for the music I've found and incorporated into my life, and there are many people who I've met who have changed the way I think and I'm grateful for those growths. I'm proud of those growths. I've made a lot of choices in my life that lots of people think are mistakes, but I stand by every single one of them, and although I have actually had people think less of me for my belief in God, or for listening to rap music, or any number of other things, I hope someday we can all have the ability to not care about what other people are doing with their lives and focus on what you're doing with your own life.

Because as I see it, the choices I make in my life don't matter nearly as much as why I made those choices, and I made my choices for myself, not for validation from someone. And to compare me to anyone else would be an insult to us both. The only competition I need in my life is with myself. The only choices I feel I've made that were poor are the times when I knew I could give 95% of my effort, and I chose to only give 60, the moments where I looked at someone who needed me, and I had the time to help, but chose to walk away instead.

I will fix those choices, but putting off school to go travel the world or prioritizing climbing over homework? Those were my choices, and they are no one else's business, and I am happy to accept the consequences of my choices. That's why I made them.

And I suppose, if you really want to make them your business, then go ahead and judge me off what you see. I'll just be over here continuing on with my life.

Just gotta find a place for Axle.

I have a quick personal story to tell. I'm not sure who all I've told it to before, but I know not a lot of people have heard it, so. Here it is, don't judge. It's important to me.

When I first went to China, I left late August. Every month, we had a vacation, and in November we spent our vacation in Beijing. I had 3 other teachers I was with, and we spent virtually all of our time together. Since it was just the 4 of us, and we were required to go places in groups of at least 2, we almost always went out with all of us together.

My group went to Beijing with the girls from 2 other schools. We had the Xiaolan girls and the Da..kdjf I never remember their city's name... haha. Anyway, while we were there, I wanted to buy Scooter her souvenir. Based on a gift her teacher had given her before, I decided to buy her a traditional Chinese hat. It was one of our last nights in Beijing and this market, I went off with some of the other girls to look around and see what I could find. I did end up with a pretty sweet hat that I was very excited about and continued to wear the rest of the night.

Since all of us had split up, though, we agreed to meet back at this one random place at a certain time. When I saw Anna (my head teacher), I ran to show her my cool find.

"Look what I bought for my sister! It's her souvenir!"
Anna gives me a weird look. "Cool, it's nice."
"... what?"
"Nothing. I just don't think I've ever actually heard you laugh before."


I am so excited to go to China again. I really just can't wait. About 5 more months, and then I get to go back to my favorite place I've ever called home. I grew so much in China, and learned a lot. I made some great friends and learned to love an entire people. I look forward to being a leader to new people and possibly getting to see some of my old students. I'm trying to learn some Chinese sign language (I've got 6 words down) and I'm going to be brushing up on my Chinese, at the very latest when classes are over. This is going to be such a great experience.

And I hope that the previous experiences I've had will help me to connect with my teachers and help them have a great time.

But I'm only 22.

Ah, the Mormon culture. It makes me laugh.

School started up recently! My classes are pretty chill. A couple are pretty easy, one is totally a joke (unfortunately that's my criminalistics class, where I was really hoping for something a little more thorough than what I have) and the last one is a little intense, but it's interesting.

But. I have a funny story.

Last week I was riding the bus home on Thursday, and I saw one of my trek brothers, Daniel! It was exciting. We were talking and catching up, and he asks me if I'm dating right now. Which is not really a question I get very often, but I said, Not really. He asked me why not, and I'm starting to kinda wonder about his motives here... Is he going to ask me out? (The answer is no, he's not. He's just asking. He has a girlfriend in CA) But I didn't really know what to say to that, so I started rattling off something about not really having time, being busy with school and work, and then I decided to give a real answer.

Part of the reason I don't really date much is because most of the new guys I meet are Mormon (with the exception of my classmates, but that's an entirely different story). Now this is not a problem for me. I do not care if they are Mormon. What a strange thing for me to pick a bone with. Hey, I know I go to church every week and see you here all the time, you've probably sat in on some of my fantastic lessons, but you're one of those ones... so no thank you. Haha. That would just be the strangest.

However, it tends to be a problem for them. It's nothing personal, I know, and I'm not upset about this. But every time I meet a potential date, we'll start talking and he'll be interested and whatnot, but as he get to know more about me, he realizes I'm just not quite what he wants. Oh, you have tattoos? Oh, your ears are pierced? Huh. Well, I can work with that. Wait, you want more tattoos? And your shorts are how short? Tank tops, too, huh? Hmm... Etc etc. It's nothing personal against me, it's just that I'm not quite as Molly Mormon as they want me to be.

And I'm ok with this. It's up to them what they want, and if I don't line up, then I don't line up. And honestly, if I don't line up with what they want, they probably don't line up with what I want. Getting my tattoos was my choice, and if these are part of the consequences, I will gladly welcome it. (For the record, I'm sure not every Mormon guy is like this, but most of the ones I meet are. I can think of one guy who it wasn't a problem at all for.)

Anyway, so I told this to Daniel and he was so sad to hear that this is something I have to do deal with (which is refreshing, compared to the last person I talked to about it), haha, then he told me, "Don't worry. You'll find someone who's right for you."

Haha. Thank you. Only in the Mormon world would someone be consoling someone my age for not having found the person I want to marry, yet.

YA Novels revisited and The Mortal Instruments

I retract my opinion of YA novels.

I don't think they're inherently terrible. Sometimes the writing is great, sometimes the story isn't great, sometimes both, and sometimes neither. But you'll find the same things happening in any kind of novel, and it's really not fair for me to clump all these together.

So, let me revisit some of the series that I've read.

Hunger Games:
It's first person, which I don't love, and I wish that some of the really critical scenes would actually be written out for us to experience (versus having Katniss pass out and then recapped later). But I like the story, I think it's good. It's been a while since I read it, so I don't really remember how the writing itself is, but I still read it all twice. And Catching Fire was my least favorite book. Mockingjay was my most favorite. I think the movies have been really well done.

Harry Potter:
Really good series! It spans a long time, and the writing starts out attracting a younger audience, which is cool, but not what I wanted when I started reading it (because I didn't start reading it until all the books were out, so I didn't grow with the characters). Rowling does a lot of things, actually, that I've read about doing in "How to Write a Novel" books, and it's interesting to see it in a real book. Like, one of the things I read is that whenever you have a character come up in the book, you need to emphasize something about the character (like Hermione's buck teeth and frizzy hair), and each time they come into a scene, make sure you include the description of them. I thought it was unnecessary, but I'm not an author, so what do I really know about it. Haha. Anyway, really good story, and I like how complete it all is. Also really well done movies.

Divergent:
First person, again. I still don't love that, and I don't really think there was anything spectacular about the writing, as mentioned earlier, but I love the story so much. I would recommend it, especially to people who aren't super into reading. It's nice and easy to get through, so that's got its perks. And the movie was fantastic. I like the little changes it had, I think I prefer it (but probably mostly because I saw it before I read the book).


The Mortal Instruments:
The last book just came out, which I just finished a week or so ago. This is the one that's made me revisit my opinion of YA novels, since I read it so close to having decided I don't like YA novels and it contradicted a lot of the things I said.

This is another 3rd person story, and I really like it. It has the main character, and then all her friends are main characters and frequently the POV character for any given scene. And the writing is actually pretty good, lots of nice metaphors and similes and all that. She references real things from the world (like bands, or pieces of art, video games) which I always think is odd, but it's not bad.

I read the last book in a few days (which is pretty average for a book I like, I'm a terribly slow reader). It was good, but what bothers me about it is the same thing that's bothered me about all of the books up to now. Everything comes together perfectly. Haha. That seems like a strange complaint. Hear me out. I'm gonna compare it Divergent a bunch, and also Harry Potter.

Everything that happens in TMI has a purpose, it all connects back to have had a reason for happening. It's kinda cool, but I think it's overdone. They do it similarly in Harry Potter *spoiler alert* like the killing curse rebounds on Harry to hit Voldemort, and yet Voldemort doesn't die. Even though it's the killing curse... why? Well, you find out books later, it's because Voldemort has horcruxes, so his soul is split into a bunch of different objects, preventing his death. And you find out later, that because Harry didn't die and he rebounded the curse, now he's an inadvertent horcrux. It all connects back to have had a purpose.

And it's similar in TMI. For example *spoiler alert* Clary has a friend who's a mundane (this world's form of muggle) and through a series of events, he gets turned into a vampire. Which is awkward, because the friend (Simon) is a vegetarian and now he has to drink blood, so he's trying to live off old animal blood so at least he doesn't drink for humans, but they're stuck on a boat, and he's dying since he hasn't fed in a while, so Jace (one of the main characters) lets him drink his blood. Simon does, and later, as they're on boat and the sun is rising, everyone's freaking out because Simon is a vampire and he's about to die because there's no way to save him from the sunlight, but turns out the by drinking Jace's blood, he can go out in the sunlight now. Why? Well, back in the day, the guy who raised Jace was experimenting with thing and he put angel blood in Jace's blood, and by drinking that, Simon can go out in the sun. Which makes him super special to all the vampires, and they all hate him a bit because of it, and that goes on to get more complicated.

The two have complicated story lines that run together and affect the outcome of events, but it's different. Take another example:

In Divergent, sometimes Roth (writer) has Tris (main character) do something just because she can. Like, Tris goes on a big zip line over the city. How does this change the story? It doesn't really, which is why I'm not calling a spoiler alert. All it does is give the reader some insight into the way the Dauntless live, but it doesn't affect the plot. It's just something Tris does because she can.

In TMI, you don't really get that. Everything that happens has a reason for happening, once you finish the story. Let's continue on with my previous example. *major-spoiler alert*

Clary and her group of friends all go to a party hosted by Magnus Bane. They go because Clary needs to talk to Magnus to try to get to the bottom of something or other, but really Clary's the only one who needs to go. And actually, she needs someone to escort her. So Clary and Jace are the only ones who really need to go. But everyone else joins because, well, party. This could have been a great opportunity to just get acquainted with how the Shadowhunter world works in a casual setting, especially when they mix with Downworlders (and this would have been an especially good opportunity since it's Simon and Clary's first party with Downworlders and Shadownhunters, as well as the audience's). But it's not left to just that. This is where Simon accidentally gets turned into a rat and accidentally gets kidnapped to the Vampire's lair in the Hotel Du Mort.

Jace and Clary go after Simon in the hotel and save him, and then they go home and everything's fine. They continue on with their plans as normal. It was odd to have them leave the Hotel and everything was fine. Simon turned back into a human, and they kept going along their way, no lasting conflict, just a random side trip. Several chapters later, though, you find out there was some conflict that came from that-- Simon is turning into a vampire. So they now have to deal with that for the rest of the story, and it complicates things nicely. It's a lasting hurtle to get over-- Simon is never going age (he's stuck at 17), he has to deal with his blood lust, inability to be in the sunlight-- until the thing with Jace happens, trying to tell his family he's a vampire, trying to maintain his old lifestyle, being rejected by all the vampires in New York because he doesn't really want to be a vampire... It's interesting. He has to come to terms with who he is now and find a place where he can belong in society.

And in the very end of the series, the group finds themselves in this situation, and to get free, Simon volunteers to give up his Daylighter Vampireness in exchange for himself and all of his friends to go home. Which then undoes the entire thing where he had to come to terms with being a vampire and try to work things out with his family and really everything that made this story line interesting.

I mean, I suppose it's ok, up to a point. I can deal with there not really being a period specifically to get to know how things work casually in this world. That can be combined with the plot twists, no problem. Plenty of books do that. But then, the ending... I'm not sure forced is quite the right word, but more like planned.

I firmly believe that there's the way you want to story to end, and then there's the way the story should end.

And sometimes it matches up. Like with Harry Potter. It was sad, it was happy-- it was mostly happy-- there was redemption and many people died that I didn't want to die, but everyone that was most important lived and went on to be ok. And they had their traumas and things to get over, but they all ended up fine. And there's no reason that anything different should have necessarily happened.

Sometimes it doesn't line up. Divergent had a way I wanted it to end: perfectly. I want this to be wrapped up nicely, I want them to work out their problems, I want him to gain back her trust... There's probably going to be some sacrifices, sure, but this is the idea I have of how I want the story to end based on how attached I've grown to the characters. And then there's the way it should end, and I think that's exactly how Roth ended it. If the story had ended any differently, it would have been wrong. It would have deviated form the integrity of the characters, and it would have been an insult to what she had created.

But I admire Roth for writing a story with characters so strong that this is the way it had to end, and there was nothing else that could be done for it, and then writing it anyway, even though honestly, it probably broke her heart more than anyone else's to have to write it how she did.

With The Mortal Instruments, the characters had flaws and everything, but it all worked out to create a perfect ending, so sickeningly happy that it actually turned me off a little bit.

It seems like the big difference is this: Rowling and Roth wrote about life and about characters. They had a story that needed to be told, and they had characters who manipulated the story to make it turn out the way it did. Clare wrote about a story. She had a story that needed to be told and an idea for how she wanted it to end, and she created characters that would fit the molds so she could have the perfect ending. It's the difference between the characters defining the story and the story defining the characters.

I can imagine Roth sitting down to plan her story and at some point having a realization about how the story needs to go and saying, "Oh no. I can't do that. Oh no. No no no no no. Oh but... eff. I can't not do it."

And I can imagine Clare sitting down to plan her story and saying, "Ok, so I want this ending, and I can get there if I do this... which will actually work out here because I'll write like this is what's going to happen, and it will catch everyone so off guard when I bring this out, and it's just, it's perfect."

Blah. I want to rewrite these stories haha. I want to rewrite Divergent so it's third person and has some more description in it, but keep the plot, and I want to rewrite The Mortal Instruments so that the story is tweaked just a little here and there. Maybe someday. I'll add it to the list of projects haha.

And when I come home, they'll be damn proud of me.

I thought about joining the army. It was kinda this on and off thought I had in my head for a long time. It might make me miserable, but I also think I'd like it. A recruiter talked to me once (while I was volunteering for the Veteran's Olympics) and he was asking about my career and telling me about all the cases I could be on if I joined.

But I never did. And it's not because I'm too scared. I'd go face the dangers of being in war every day. I'm still not sure I can place why I never looked into it more. Because war is messed up? I look at my friends who served. They're messed up. And some of them are doing a good job at moving on, and some of them are only doing a good job at pretending to move on, and some of them aren't even doing that.

But I think I could, maybe. But the fact that someone has to... the fact that there's a need for this position to be filled. I think that's wrong.

I appreciate the people who have served and fought for me and their friends and family, for this country and others, for what they think is right and for the opportunity to change. But I wish we weren't asking them to.


A friend of mine from high school was killed yesterday in Afghanistan. RIP Jake.

"This isn't every soldier's story. But it is one soldier's story."

I've earned 12 credits!

I passed all my classes!

Unfortunately, you've all lost the right to know what grades I got.

• I have a coworker who was there when I found out what my grades were, and he said, "Cool. But you should try to get better grades."
• MJ gets a low C on her test that she's upset about, Chaelomen comforts her. That's ok, honey. C's get degrees. You're doing fine. I get a low C on my test that I'm upset about, Chaelomen agrees. Yeah, you can do better than that. Shame.
• I tell another coworker about how I passed all my classes and these are the grades I got, and he says, "Don't you want to get A's though?"
• My climbing partner asks about how school's going, and he always tells me I should be getting A's, otherwise I'm not really learning the material and I'm just wasting money on school (but I think he'd actually be... maybe not proud, but at least he wouldn't be displeased with my grades).

I mean really. Yes I can probably do better. But compared to all my past semesters (with the exception of my first and maaaybe my second semester) this is quite a drastic improvement! Especially compared to last semester. Dark times. This is a win and I'm taking it. And there shall be no more people to tell me that I need to be doing better, because no one else will know how I did! Muahahahaha

But I passed and I'm still on track to graduate in 3 semesters (+1 semester off in China)!

Just some personal values before I get ready for work/church/barbecue.

A couple years ago we made a Personal Creed at church, similar to one that the early prophets had. It's just something we were supposed to say we'd live by, and we got a pretty card to write it on, and I still actually really like mine, so here it is.

• I would strive to serve others at all times.
• I would give excess money to programs to help the needy of the world.
• I would constantly strive to better myself physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.
• I would not force others to abide by me and my standards, but show love to all.
• I would have courage.
• I would rely on the Lord for direction in my life.
• I would never cease to be an example.
• I would go out of my way to make others feel welcome in my home and life.

And then here's this, just for fun. It's the Dauntless Manifesto (or at least, the parts I don't particularly disagree with).

• We believe that justice is more important than peace.
• We believe in freedom from fear, in denying fear the power to influence our decisions.
• We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.
• We believe in acknowledging fear and the extend to which it rules us.
• We believe in facing that fear no matter what the cost to our comfort, our happiness, or even our sanity.
• We believe in shouting for those who can only whisper, in defending those who cannot defend themselves.
• We believe, not just in bold words, but in bold deeds to match them.
• We believe that pain and death are better than cowardice and and inaction because we believe in action.
• We do not believe in living comfortable lives.
• We do not believe in empty heads, empty mouths, or empty hands.
• We do not believe that learning to master violence encourages unnecessary violence.
• We do not believe that we should be allowed to stand idly by.
• We do not believe that any other virtue is more important than bravery.

But... but this means I can't be lazy.

Yesterday was a pretty busy day at work. We were really busy on and off throughout the day, but what made me, at least, extra busy is how much training I was doing. The first thing I did was a class, which was a lot of fun and I got to climb for it, and then I cleaned and did a belay assessment for the next couple hours, and then I did a ton of training with one of our new kids. It was fun, we did a mock rock climbing party. All a lovely day. But I was pretty tired by the time I got off at 3:30. It was nice to finally get to go home.

So nice that I thought, with the babysitting money I made the other day, I'd stop at Family Dollar on the way home and pick up some treat (hot cheetos and the movie Fired Up). The rest of my day was going to consist of watching the movie and How I Met Your Mother. It was going to be glorious.

Which obviously means that I will be called back into work. Not ten minutes after I got home, I got a call from PDRC. Oh no. I answer the phone, and it's my boss.
"This is Bridget."
"Hi Bridget, this is Tony."
"Hey Tony, what's up?"
"I'm calling because we're having a bit of a scheduling [at this point in my life, I realize I have no idea how to spell this word... snaphue? snafoo? hm.] at BCC and we were wondering if you'd be available to work from, well, now until, I'm not really sure, maybe 8 or 8:30?"
"Uh, what would I be doing?" I feel the need to emphasize here that I don't actually work at BCC. I was hired to work the rock wall at PDRC, and then I volunteered to close the building at BCC for my bosses, but my job is still really just at the rock wall. I don't know how to do any of the jobs that exist at BCC. The other day, someone asked me if I could cover his kitchen duty shift, and I have absolutely no idea what that even means. I don't know what that would entail, I was not trained for it, I don't even know 100% where that would be. Yes, hello, Bridget? Would you mind flying this plane full of people to Dublin? And actually, I was already working when he needed me to cover, so I couldn't on two counts, but it was still kinda intimidating that he'd even think to ask me. I don't work with you! Stop thinking of me as your coworker! You don't think of Tracey or Adam as your coworkers, why me?
"It's a rental, I think there's a birthday party or graduation party or something."
"Ok. I can do that, I live about 40 minutes away, and I'm not actually sure what all that entails. I've never been trained for it or anything."
"Sure, I think it's mostly just about checking in with the party when it starts and making sure they have everything they need." You can do it, you've flown in planes before. To Dublin, even! Plus, you know how to drive a car, right?
"Alright..."
"You're the first person I've called," Why, are you trying to punish me for something? "and if you can't,  that's ok, I thought I'd see if you're still around and not doing anything and wanted to cover it." Hm. I wish I possessed the ability to say no to covering a shift without feeling guilty about it.
"Yeah, sure I can come in."
"Great! I'll tell them at BCC that you'll be in about 5:15."

There's just something about being able to work-- not having other plans-- and having someone call me or talk to me in person to ask if I can work... I feel so guilty if I say no. They're in need! I need to help them! If they're asking me, they must be desperate! The closest I ever get to saying no when I'm available is, "I can, just this is the only day I have off in ---- weeks," and then they try to see if anyone else can cover instead of me. But I'm still fully prepared to go in if they need me to.

Anyway, I heat up a breakfast burrito since I haven't eaten since breakfast, and I get back in my car and head down to BCC.

When I get there, I walk down the hallway to where I'm pretty sure I'll meet up with everyone who needs to talk to me and tell me what exactly I'm doing. And as I do so, the girl who I thought I was relieving sees me.

"Oh, Bridget, I didn't call you in time."
"What?"
"Melanie's here, she came for her shift, you can go home."
Grumble grumble.

Haha. In her defense, the girl I was coming in to cover for offered to let me stay and work if I wanted to so I wouldn't have driven all the way out for nothing. But no, no no no, I'm ok. I really don't want a sense of a purpose that much actually.

However, I also didn't actually want to have driven all the way out to Broomfield for nothing, so I stopped at the rec center to climb. Fortunately, while I was there, I was talking to my boss and told him about what happened, and he let me add an extra half hour of pay for the day for driving out there (and also for bringing in some traffic cones from a blood drive that was going on earlier). Quite nice, and then I also convinced one of my coworkers to stay and climb with me after the wall closed, because we were busy for the last half hour I was there, so I couldn't get a belay from the guy who was working, and I didn't want to just climb the autobelay.

So what would have been the most obnoxious night ever turned out to be a really nice night, actually. Still makes for a fun story to tell, though.

Be Brave.

I have a friend who is in love with the book Divergent. I also have a sister who read it and told me I should. So I kinda decided that someday I would, but I didn't exactly get a great recommendation (in fact, Scooter's exact words were, "you should read Divergent. It's a wee bit predictable, and some parts are super lame. Glowing review, right? You should read it.") so I wasn't particularly concerned about getting around to it.

And then it came out in movie form and a bunch of my church friends all saw it, my one friend who's in love with it saw it and posted about it, and everything, but I still didn't really care about it. I didn't actually even read the blog that went with it. I knew nothing about this book, but I decided it wasn't exactly my thing. Then Alli, my best friend since 3rd grade, listened to it on CD and she told me super vaguely about the plot, which interesting me enough to finally watch the movie.

I loved it. So much. We went to see it on the 7th, and I bought the first book, Divergent, that night. I had finals the study for and take the next week, so it took me a while to finish it, but I finally did around the 11th, and then immediately started Insurgent and finished it on the 16th, then started Allegiant and finished that yesterday.

Let me just start by saying that I don't love teen novels, especially the popular ones. I haven't read many of them (the only ones that come to mind are Hunger Games, The Mortal Instruments, and now Divergent. Oh, I guess Harry Potter, too, but that seems like an exception maybe since I didn't actually love reading the series until I got to the 5th book), but that's because I really dislike them. I always end up loving the stories, and usually I get really sucked in, but they're really... uh, how do I explain it... easy? They're an easy read, you don't have to think much, usually they're in first person (all the ones I listed are) and it bothers me. It makes me lazy. This isn't something I've always known about, I did have a blog a while back about how fantastic Hunger Games was. And after I finished that series, I wanted something else to read, and that's the first time I picked up His Dark Materials (which is so fantastic. I highly recommend it). But His Dark Materials is written better than Hunger Games, and I couldn't focus enough or use my brain enough to handle it. It was too thick. Which is embarrassing.

I dislike feeling like I can't handle something that "advanced." But every single time I've gotten into a teen series thing, that's without fail what happens. I can no longer focus on the better books. This is where I personally draw a line between a story and literature. If it's something that's easy to get into and doesn't require a lot of brain power, I just call it a story. If it's something that I actually can feel improving my cognitive skills, that's literature. There's just a difference.

All this said, I feel the exact same way about Veronica Roth's writing. There's nothing spectacular about it, and I had to engage myself with critiquing what she wrote as I read it to not fall into this trap. She had some entertaining dialogue, and there was like 1 or 2 sentences in the entire series that stood out to me. But, that's not a lot. 1 or 2? In 3 books? When I was reading The Way of Kings, I did not get through a full chapter before stopping and running upstairs to read a sentence to my mom, because I thought it was written so poetically. He seemed so cold. Like a shadow caused by heat and light falling on someone honorable and true, casting this black imitation behind. It was such a cool visual. Love it. And I just didn't get any love of the prose in Roth's stories.

However. The story was so good. I still do not love the way Roth writes. But her story was so well thought out and captivating that these characters won my heart, and I cried so hard at the end of it. Berserk once said that the ending for His Dark Materials made him really sad for the characters, but that was praise in itself, because he actually cared about what happened to them. I'd say it's similar here. The way the story is told might not be the best, but the story itself is so good that I genuinely cared about these characters and the ending destroyed me a little. PS, Mom would not want to read this one haha. She could probably hand the movies, though.


Honestly, maybe the story isn't all that captivating for everyone, but I loved it. Here's a quick run down of what drew me in so much. The story starts off in a place with factions. There's 5 of them and they each value something different. You're born into whatever faction your family is a part of, and the year you turn 16, you participate in the yearly Choosing Ceremony, where you decide upon a faction to live in for the rest of your life. There's a test you take to kind of help you figure out where you could belong, but the decision is yours to pick whatever you want. But the factions don't mix, so if you choose differently than you family, well.

Faction before blood. The factions are the most important things in your life. You swear to live a certain way, and nothing will break that bond. It's just not done. So the five factions are Abnegation (selflessness and serving), Amity (peace and harmony), Candor (honesty and truth), Erudite (knowledge and learning) and Dauntless (fearlessness and bravery). When Alli had finished reading this, she's going on telling me about how she thinks I would be Dauntless, which I just kinda nodded and went along with, pre-movie. While watching the movie, I realized how wrong she was. The Dauntless faction is really enticing, but there's no way I could do it. One of the things they do in the movie is just like, they climb things. I know I talk all the time about climbing and how much I love it, but I'm tied in. I trust the system, I trust my belayer, it's beautiful. I do not free climb things. The thought terrifies me. It makes my hands start sweating if I really think about free climbing. It's not my thing, it hasn't been for as long as I can remember. But that's like the first thing they do. They just free climb a bunch of scaffolding.

Anyway. The movie ends, and I feel really energized by watching the Dauntless this whole time, but really I think I'm more of an Erudite person. I get really excited to register for classes, I like to read, I'm pretty smart especially if I apply myself, my worst subject in history and I still pull a decent grade there. My second worst subject is the one I'm majoring in, and if I actually do a couple homework problems before taking the test, then I usually get over 100% on the test. So, I'm really looking at being Erudite. I love Alli, but she was wrong about me. But, the movie was really good, and while we were wondering around Flatirons, we found a second hand bookstore, and they had Divergent for pretty cheap, so I bought it and started reading it.

The difference is kinda amazing. I love the movie. I will own it when it comes out. And I think it did a really good job following the book. But actually reading the book and getting the extra details here and there about the factions, I started to see what Alli was saying.

The thing about Dauntless is that it represent the kind of person I always wanted to be. The kind of person that I think I could have been if I chose to hang out with those friends of mine more than these friends. And I think, if these factions were real, I would blend in well. I like to be loud, I like zip lines, I like climbing, I wear a lot of black, I have crazy colored hair... I mean, it just continues on. I would blend in well with them. But what about for how I act?

I never really thought of myself as particularly brave. And after a brief conversation about it, I learned that neither does Chaelomen. And after a long conversation about it, I learned my best friend Sara doesn't really see that as a quality that stands out about me. It was kinda heart breaking. I love everything about Dauntless. Everything. I would choose it in a heartbeat. I think I could also fit in with Erudite fairly well, but Dauntless would have been the more natural place for me. And yet, two people who I think know me fairly well wouldn't have even considered it a possibility so much.

It was just frustrating, and I talked to a couple of my other friends, and they think I could be in Dauntless, no problem. For the record, I know the factions are fictional, but the traits are real and asking which faction my friends see me in is a quick way to find out who they think I am. So, I guess it just depends who you ask. But it was helpful for me to see that how I want to be perceived doesn't quite line up with how I am perceived, and that will probably make me try to be better.

Even in just the little things, We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another. It's just beautiful, the things they believe. Overcoming your fears, not letting your fears take control of your life. Shouting for those who can only whisper, defending those who cannot defend themselves. I love it. And the way it all fits together, all the faction and the direction the story took, it was really impressive. It spoke to me almost directly, and that drew me in for the ride, and I cared about what happened in the story (similar to why I love Frozen, actually).

They always tell each other to be brave. Just, "Be brave, Tris," when they have to go through something scary. And Four's instructor always instructed him to adapt. Having a hard time with this? Adapt. Be better. I love it. Those are great things to hold on to. And it's actually a way I instruct my kids when I teach rock climbing, now that I think about it. "Be better, challenge yourself, have some integrity."

And I'm proud that I can love this story with my entire being, and still see its flaws. But the flaws don't hinder the story, the just don't enhance it.

   There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have every loved, for the sake of something greater.
   But sometimes it doesn't.
   Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through the pain, and the work of everyday, the slow walk toward a better life.

Good story. Definitely recommended. I guess a lot of people were mad at the ending and thought that Roth only ended it how she did to get a rise out of people, but I don't believe that. I think it was the way to end it. It was hard, but it was what had to happen. And it killed me. But it was good. It was right.


And now I'm onto the 2nd book in the Stormlight Archives! Yay :) (The first was The Way of Kings, and now it's Words of Radiance. only 8 more books to go! Brandon Sanderson just needs to write them.) ((oh, and in case anyone -coughBerserk- is wondering, I am still reading Song of Ice and Fire. And I still have my place marked in The Blade Itself for Rocky Reads. haha))

Win Some, Lose Some

On the one hand, I've trapped myself in this room. (That's Chien Po by the door, not trapped like I am.)

On the other hand, I've found my lap top!

Can't lose them all.

I'm distraught.

Idk where my laptop is. But I have a beautiful blog I want to write! Just, I anticipate it being long enough that I don't want to use my phone for typing it all out.

I guess Tuesday is cleaning day!

Where's Heresy Hank when you need him?

***Don't forget that I posted twice today! I have another post if you scroll down! Long Live the King! It's the far more entertaining of the two blogs!***
I also have a tl;dr summary for this one: read the bold.

The other week during Sunday school, our teacher Nate pulled this action figure out of his suit pocket and called him Heresy Hank and started saying something things that he (Nate) believes but that might not be strictly doctrine. Almost every week since, Nate will pull Heresy Hank out at some point to share with us some theoretical or philosophical thing about whatever we're studying, which is the old testament this year. Is that supposed to be capitalized? Old Testament? Ha, idk. I'm keeping it. This week, Nate didn't wear a suit (he wore a sweater with a tiny penguin on it because it was a rainy day) and so we didn't have Heresy Hank.

But here's the thing. I don't really think I like studying the Bible. I think I kinda hate it.

I did seminary all 4 years, and I actually thought it was just the New Testament I didn't like. That was the year I ditched seminary the most (junior year, when I first got my car). I actually had to do a ton of makeup work so I could still pass seminary, but I did all the makeup work the next year on the BOM. But I really didn't like studying the New Testament. I didn't like the way Christ was portrayed. We're taught that he's all loving and everything, but it seems like he says some really harsh and not at all loving things. And I wasn't the only one with this concern in my class, but the teacher just kinda had no idea what we were talking about. It was weird. I actually struggled with that for a good 2-3 years until I talked to the missionaries in the branch about it. But even still, I try to not read too much out of the New Testament.

However, I loved studying the Old Testament in seminary. It was awesome. I loved my teacher. But when I really think about it, I remember that we didn't quite study the Old Testament specifically. We studied the nice uplifting ideas in the Old Testament, but we didn't dig into the stories themselves too much. And I thought that was just because my teacher liked to think deeply and wanted us to have an easier time applying the lessons from the stories to our lives. But I really hate Sunday school this year. This is the first time I've studied the Old Testament since sophomore year of high school, and it makes me wonder if maybe our seminary teacher didn't teach us the stories (but the lessons) because the stories are terrible.

I just don't understand. I'm having a hard time with this one. Right now we're in Exodus and Leviticus and Numbers talking about the children of Israel being lost in the wilderness and all that. Today we specifically talked about that time when they had been eating manna forever and they were getting sick of it, so they asked Moses and God if they could perhaps have a different miracle and have some meat, maybe? So God-- to quote Nate-- gets pissed off and gives them more meat than they could want until they're sick and they want to die. The actual passage I read was in Numbers, and it was also talking about how Moses is like, "Look God, I can't do this alone. I can't bear this and lead these people by myself. I need help," and God replies with, "Fine. Fine. Go get some people together, and I'll give them the same priesthood you have, and then you're all going to sit here and eat meat-- not for one day, not two, not five, but a whole month until you're so sick of it that's it's coming out of your nose. That's what you get for not appreciating the manna you've been blessed with already."

Am I making this up? No. This is literally what the bible says (I might have made it a little more modern, but seriously. God says they will eat meat until it's coming out of their nostrils.)

As we finish this, Nate asks us what our thoughts are. A couple people shared about something or other and somehow made this story uplifting, but that's just not how I see it. This story is vindictive. It's bitter. This is a terrible god. And so I rose my hand and asked about this. Because this is not a god I want to worship or study; this is something I want to be corrected about. I want someone to tell me that I'm forgetting something or interpreting it wrong or something, because this is just not sitting with me.

What Nate tells us is that we should remember that in this story, we're supposed to be identifying with the children of Israel. It's good to look to Moses for guidance and whatever, but we need to remember that we're imperfect beings and we should be taking lessons from the ones who are struggling this whole time. I can totally do that. Let's take a scenario.

I've been enslaved in Egypt my whole life. I was just freed by Moses, and I'm grateful to him and God for that, but now we're wondering in the wilderness. And to make it so we won't die of starvation, we've got this heaven bread raining down on us all the time to keep us alive. Which is awesome. But after a while, I could totally see being sick of the manna and just wanting something else. I can imagine praying and being all, "Hey God, listen. Thanks for the manna that keeps me alive. But the thing is, it's getting old. Could I possibly have a different miracle for a little while?" I cannot imagine why that should offend God to the point that he's now going to punish us with more meat than is healthy.

And that's about where Nate cuts me off to remind me that the reason they're wondering in the wilderness and suffering at all is because they were offered the promise land and exaltation and great things, and they rejected it. (So, obviously, they must eat meat until they die.) And this is something else that the class can't understand. Why would they reject exaltation? Well. I don't know. But I know I've done it before. Sorta. To quote a blog I wrote like two weeks ago, "when my testimony was at its strongest, I saw that and recognized it, and rejected it and not two months later my testimony was at its lowest. At the time, it didn't feel right." So. Ok. I still don't know why I was all spiritual and happy and suddenly I didn't want that. But I didn't want it. So I don't blame or fault the Children of Israel for backing out, themselves.

But even if they are to blame for that, does that in any way justify the terrible things that God makes them go through? I really don't think it does. It's not fair. I know that God lets us go through trials because it'll make us stronger, but that's not what's happening here. God is pissed off at them for not wanting to eat manna exclusively. He's vindictive. It would have been fair to say, "You don't want this exaltation? Fine. You can't have it, you have to wonder until you're prepared for it." But anything beyond that isn't right.

This doesn't make sense to me. The only thing they're really guilty of that I can find is being really whiny, but this seems like overkill for that... And that's all I got for an answer in Sunday school-- which made me feel really fantastic, btw.

I mean, I've done similar thing to God right now while babysitting. The kids won't eat dinner, so I get mad at them and tell them no they can't watch TV, no they can't play outside, no they can't do anything but go to bed (I don't think I've ever done this specifically, but that's not super important). What I"m doing at that point is punishing the child. And that is so wrong. If the kids won't eat dinner, then they go without food until they change their mind. But that's the consequence, not the punishment. They don't need to be punished. They just need the consequences of their actions. And usually I'll realize I'm out of line and then I let the kids watch their movie or whatever. So if I can realize that, why wouldn't God? We have the whole story in the Bible. This isn't something where "we don't know why, but it's helpful." We have the entire picture here, and it's not a hopeful picture. It's a God of War picture.
Blah.

But here's more to why this all bothers me so much. Not only are we learning that God is like this, but we're also simultaneously being taught that he's a loving God and that he the same now as he was then. So, not even a full hour later, during relief society, I'm being taught that God loves us all and is so good and just wants us to be happy-- this coming from the same mouths of people who were defending his actions in the Sunday school story. It just doesn't match up. God cannot be loving to everyone, spiteful to the Children of Israel, and the same today as he was yesterday. Those three things are not working out logically (or spiritually, intuitively, anything) in my head. And despite my rejection of my testimony a couple years ago, I don't think God loves me any less. You know? He still wants me to be happy, he's not forcing me to eat meat until I want to die. That's what I've seen personally in my life. Just, wtf am I learning right now? I might stop going to Sunday school until we're done with the Bible. I can go back to Gospel Principles.

tl;dr? Basically, what this all comes down to is this: the God in the Bible is not the God I'm familiar with and know. And it's not someone I want to--or will--worship. I don't believe they're the same deity. But if I'm being told that they're the same at church, how do I make peace with that conflict?

Long Live the King

Today when I woke up, it was raining and beautiful. I love the rain a lot. I like thunderstorms and I like when it's all gray and cool outside. I like the patter of rain on the roof and windows. I like watching the rain and playing in the rain. It's just always been fun. So with all the hot sunny days we've been having, I was really excited to wake up to a rainy day. I didn't just want to stay inside all day; I wanted to actually go out and enjoy it!

So I took the dogs to the park. I put a harness and leash on Bandit, a leash on Axle, put them both in the car, and drove down to EB Rains. This was the first time I had ever taken Bandit anywhere. I'm still not sure how I feel about the experience. Bandit is a huge dog, so I expected him to be difficult to keep on a leash. And he was. It wasn't really surprising, but it was still difficult. He just gets so excited at people or animals, and he'll make a break for them. So I have to hold his leash pretty good. It's tough, but he's really a good dog, just big and excitable.

Anyway, we're walking around the lake, and I've got about 45 minutes, maybe an hour, to kill before church starts, so I thought we'd go to the far end of the lake and sit at the bench for a while, just looking out over the park. It would have been peaceful, but as we got to the edge, Bandit saw some ducks out on the lake. Haha. I had to hold him back, telling him that those ducks aren't for him, leave them alone, don't even think about it... you know, all those good things you say to a dog when they want something they shouldn't.

He was doing good, though. He's actually really well behaved, imo. I had him sitting next to me while Axle's running around sniffing everything. Literally everything. I've never seen a dog more curious than this one. This was the walk where I decided that Axle might be the calmer dog of the two, but Bandit is definitely the better behaved.

I'm a little fuzzy about what actually happened next... Something flustered me, and I dropped one of the dogs leashes. I really really hoped it was Axle's, but that would've been convenient. He wouldn't have gone anywhere, really. So, of course, it was Bandit's leash I dropped... He immediately makes a break for it to go get those ducks.

He jumps down from the rocks and I don't really think he knew he was jumping into a lake. Haha. He was surprised to land in water, but it was still pretty shallow, so it just made him more excited and he bounded off for the ducks some more, but there's a point in the lake where the floor drops from like 2 or 3 feet to 60 or something really deep, and when Bandit hit that point, haha... I couldn't stop laughing. He gets all freaked out, "I'm swimming!!" and turns around immediately. Hahaha. It was hilarious. But I'm glad the dog can swim. Because I can't, so this story could have had a much different ending.

But it's not actually over yet. He turns around and keeps swimming back to the rocks, and when he gets to the edge of the lake, he tries to jump out, but he couldn't quite get a good foot placement to jump high enough, so he's just sitting there, claws digging into the rock, all like, "Brother! Help me!"

It was so entertaining. In between laughing, I went over to help him out. Thankfully he had his harness (and leash) on, so I could just kinda pick him up by that and help him out. He was happy to be out of the lake, and no longer even a little interested in the ducks. There were some geese later he wanted to run after, but I held him back from them. Which is probably good. Geese are mean.

We finished our walk around EB Rains, and then we went to church. I left them in the car since it was a nice cool day, and it had stopped raining, so they had the windows down. I did go out to check on them during church, and they were just sleeping. It was adorable, actually. I laid down the driver's seat, which is where Bandit had stretched out, and then Axle was curled up on the passenger seat. After church was over, I let them out to burn off some energy before the 30+ min drive home, so they got to meet everyone in the branch and get a ton of attention. It was a happy day for them.

But I totally lost Bandit's collar! I have no idea where. I didn't even notice until we were walking back to the car from the park, so it could be anywhere.

Overall, it was really fun. I would actually not be too afraid of letting them off their leashes, as long as there aren't a lot of people around. I think Axle would just smell everything everywhere, but he'd be fine. And Bandit would be excited and run after a lot of things, but he would chill out after probably an hour or two. Definitely gotta get those two out camping somewhere secluded this summer.

9 Months!

Upon writing the title of the blog, I would just like to emphasize that I am not having a baby. Nope, that's not me.

The most surreal experience of my life so far was seeing Ender's Game at the theater. I love that book, read it more times than I can count, dreamed about how it would look if it were being acted out, pictured everyone's facial expressions and every minute detail... The rumor of Ender's Game as a movie had been around for long enough that it seemed like a fantasy or an idea. But here it is, my favorite movie of all time being made into a movie.

A close contender for this title though was Casey (from ILP; not my friend Casey) on the other end of the phone telling me he'd like to accept my application to go back to China in the spring of next year. I still, to this day, dream about China, dream about my kids and roommates, sometimes I dream about head teaching with my roommates, I fantasize about going back and what I would bring with me, what I would do different or the same, where I'd want to visit, where I would choose to live if I could. Hours after the call, I'm sitting here updating my post because it still feels so surreal.

I'm going back to China!! Is this real? haha. :D :D :D I am so excited. I don't know where or specific dates or who I'm going with. All I know is that I've been accepted back into the program. I'll be leaving in about 9 months, a little more, sometime in early Feb, and then I come back mid/late June. :)

我爱中国！

These whereabouts unknown. Please know you can come home.

Uhhh... tl;dr warning... haha.

This, friends, is all my introspective thoughts condensed into one glorious post haha. Just a heads up.

You know that moment where you're pretty sure your mom has read your blog and is worried, because she didn't post on the blog you wrote? Just me? This is just me trying to reiterate what I said in my last blog I wrote, but perhaps in a different way.

Some quick context for why I'm posting this-- I know my mom misses all the kids (for one because she tells us, but also because of all the random texts she sends that never were there before) and I know that she's worried about me specifically. This is something I have to deal with a lot being the youngest. Which is fine, that's the way life goes haha. But it's also been hard on her having so many of the kids leave the church, and I know she's worried I will too. As a mom, she's going to worry about us because she wants what's best for us and for us to be happy, and to the best of her knowledge, that's for us to be good strong members. She worries about everyone like this, but even more so for me. In part, it's just because I'm the youngest. But I think I've also been a bit of a wild card. We've actually talked about it a lot, and I wasn't the easiest child in the family. I specifically did what I was told I couldn't or shouldn't, I kept a lot of secrets from the family, all my best friends were not members, my favorite activities were not ever "typical Mormon" activities. I mean, I was a good kid. I did listen to my parents (even though I tried my hardest to make it look like I wasn't listening to them), and my friends are all good people, and it's not like was doing drugs or having sex with everything, but I'm just trying to explain that I was one of the most stressful children in the family.

My mom is also worried because there's a trend that all the kids in CO have stopped going to church, and the kids in UT have not. And I'm one of the kids in CO. And out of everyone in the family, I've been closest to Chaelomen for the longest. I mean, when I was younger, I worshiped him. I would have done anything for him, and I emulated his thoughts and interests. He was my hero and I liked what he liked and disliked what he disliked. We're still very close, but I'm proud to say that I'm my own person, and though we have similar interests, it is not my purpose in life to please him (haha, sorry, Maku). My thoughts are no more influenced by him than they would be by anyone else.

I just wanted to share this background to show that I understand why my mom would be concerned about me. Being so close to Chaelomen, it seems pretty fitting that I would just follow suit along with him. Especially living with him, it would be an extra concern. I imagine, looking at me, she (my mom) sees a lot of different paths that I could take, and shes worried that I'll take one that leads away from the church, because it's kinda always been the path I was heading down. I would guess she can also imagine me staying strong in the church, but probably part of her worries that the reason I stayed in the church ever was because I was at home, and that's what you do when you're at home.

I think I've explained this enough. I'm going to continue on with the story now haha.

I'm gonna be honest here, and this might be a story that I conveniently never mentioned to my parents. Aside from the times where I was working on Sundays, there was about a 2 and a half or 3 month period in my life where I didn't go to church. It was about 2 and half years ago, now. I was leaving for China, and I had a calling at church as the FHE committee chair, so I planned a weekly activity for the entire branch, and I worked really hard to make sure it was fun and the lesson was uplifting and unique. I loved that calling, by far my favorite so far. The last FHE I did before I left, I specifically asked everyone to come and say bye to me. That was the week I had the lowest turnout ever. Maybe 8 people came? But I tried to write it off. Maybe everyone would come see me at my going away party that I was having that Saturday. And then they didn't. A lot of people came and supported me and said bye, which was awesome. I had a lot of my friends and family and neighbors all come and wish me well. I loved it. But I had a lot of friends in the branch, and maybe 4 of them came to say bye. I was heartbroken by this and really bitter (probably a bit more bitter than I had right to be). Regardless, the first 2.5 to 3 months I was in China, I refused to go to church. I was angry that all these people I thought cared about me just ignored my big adventure, so I stayed home while my roommates all went to church, despite them begging me to join. I eventually came to the realization that I was being unfair and uh prideful maybe? That seems like the wrong word. Meh, the point is, I got over myself and remembered that I was going to church to please God, not because it convenienced me. It was a way to show respect, and I was being petty.

So that was my big physical inactive experience in my life. I lasted a whole 2 and half months. I've had other moments where I was going to church but my testimony was pretty nonexistent, and I've had moments where I wasn't going to church, but thriving. But the one time my testimony was struggling and I was choosing to not go to church because of it, I only made it 2.5 months before I felt genuinely bad that I was being so petty toward God.

Regarding the blog I posted the other day. I get the impression that it concerned my mom, like she thinks I might be slipping away from the gospel. Let me point out now that I'm not, at least I don't believe I am. I think my view of the gospel is/ was shifting and has been for a while. I can actually pinpoint when this started.

Time for another story that I don't think I've ever shared with my parents. I haven't shared it with many people. Almost 2 years ago I started working at the rec center. And there was a boy. I liked him a lot. He isn't Mormon, and in November he got a tattoo. Let me pause this story for a second to say that, despite me not having a lot of Mormon friends for most of my life, I owned being Mormon 100%. It was my entire identity. If there was nothing else I knew about myself, I at least knew I was LDS and proud of it, and as far as I knew, everyone knew it about me and it was how they defined me. That's Bridget, she's Mormon. The end, right? What else do you need to know? Alright, so this guy at work got a tattoo, and he showed me, then making some conversation, asked if I had any. I said no. He said, "Figures." So I followed with a vaguely sassy, "Do I look like I'd have tattoos?" and he responded with a shrug and a, "Yeah, kinda."

I really had no idea what to do with that. Took me completely aback. Up until that point in my life, whenever I'd had a conversation along those line, "Do I look like I'd [have this] [have that] [do that] [drink this] [go there]?" the reply was always, "No, you're right. You look Mormon." But here was someone who thought I looked like I could have tattoos. To him, I wasn't inherently Mormon. I was just Bridget. I realized at that moment that no one who I worked with knew I was Mormon. The only thing I knew about myself, no one there knew. And I work a lot, they all had plenty of time to get to know me, I consider myself close to a lot of them. I enjoyed their company and they enjoyed mine. They knew me, and liked who I was, without me being Mormon. The one thing that I knew defined me, the one thing that made my personality, they weren't even aware of, and yet they still liked me. And that's when I started to wonder, if I'm not Mormon, who am I?

I started questioning everything I knew, and unfortunately, I didn't even hint to my parents that I was wondering about everything I had been told for my whole life. When I was a kid, I didn't act like myself at home. I was reserved and quiet. But at school and among my friends, I was loud and wild and excitable. And for years and years, anything I did I would keep to myself. The good and the bad. I don't know why, it's just what I did. Because I could, I guess? That way, I could guarantee I wouldn't get in trouble for something. Not that I would have, I was a good kid, but I could guarantee it this way. And this is something that none of my siblings could have pulled off to the same degree I could. All of you had to deal with each other. You all went to school together, roughly the same age. If you did something at school, the siblings already knew and had the ability to tell mom and dad, so it was better for you to just be honest and tell them yourself, which gave you an opportunity to be honest and open with them. I don't really know that's how the boys grew up, but I watched Carolyn and Audrey live that way.

Anything I did was kept between me and my friends. My friends are on my side and they aren't going to rat me out to my family. So I was a very secretive child (which is probably why it's so easy for all y'all to ignore me when we get the family together now ;) it's how it was growing up, so despite how things have changed now, it's easy to go back to that if we get everyone together). And it was a scary and hard thing to open up to anyone in the family. But I did-- not entirely on my own, mom being the young women's president was pretty important to me ever opening up to her later in high school.

So. Since I was already in the habit of not telling the family things about me, despite trying to break through and be more open, I didn't tell my parents about anything that I was questioning. So I went on my own private adventure, thinking about who I am outside of being Mormon, and then consequently looking at the church and thinking about what I believe and do I believe that because I was told to or because I actually do. It was a big existentialist adventure. Why am I here, who am I, blaaah. Haha. And this is all something, I have complete faith, that I would have gone through eventually in my life. The signs have always kinda been there (when my testimony was at its strongest, I saw that and recognized it, and rejected it and not 2 months later my testimony was at its lowest. At the time, it didn't feel right), but that one little conversation with my coworker that he probably doesn't even remember was a catalyst for the experience. And I'm grateful that I was able to go through it and end up where I am now.

The problem now though is that I've had this major growth in my life, and I'm so happy with where I am, and I feel so at peace, but I haven't felt like I could tell anyone besides my friends because it didn't seem natural or like it fit in, since I had kept the confusion/trials that got me where I was to myself. 

But that's why I'm writing this blog now. I blogged a little bit about something that had been kinda tickling at my brain, almost hoping it would allow for the conversation to flow about this and I could share what I've learned finally. But that didn't pan out. Most of my "regular readers" are not commenting. I'm living with a couple of the regulars, a bunch of the regulars are busy with life, and the one that I think I wrote it for most (my mom) didn't reply, and honestly I think she didn't say anything because she was scared while looking at it. So the first part of this blog was describing briefly (yes, haha, that was a brief description) why I've gotten where I am, but I'm now going to go on and iterate what I actually do believe. Bear with me, I'm still figuring it all out. But, aren't we all?

I think the place I've gotten to most is looking at intent. Why did you do this or that? Why do we keep the sabbath day holy? Why do we follow the word of wisdom and the law of chastity? Why did my one friend make decisions that allowed her to get pregnant? All the commandments that we're given in the church can be simmered down to two real commandments-- Love thy God with all your heart might mind and strength, and love thy neighbor as thyself. So if we have those, why do we need the law of chastity? Why do we need to not kill?

Once, I was taught that when Moses was up on his mount talking to God, he came down with those two commandments for all this people to follow. And they couldn't handle it. They just weren't in a place where they could handle Loving God and Loving their Neighbors, and actually abide by it. My little interpretation there is that they didn't have the integrity or understanding of what that would actually mean. So Moses smashes the two commandments in frustration and goes back up to his mount and talks with God some more, and then comes back down with the ten commandments. And the people are handling those better. But eventually, they start putting weird restraints on the commandments. Like number 4, thou shalt keep the Sabbath Day holy, was interpreted as a restraint on how many steps you can take, going to church, not laboring in any way... To the point that when Christ comes and heals someone on the Sabbath, everyone's freaking out like, "Whoa there, Jesus. You can't do that, it's breaking the Sabbath." And then he has to be all, "What? No, hang on. Just, that's not what it means. Look guys, there's a higher law than 'don't labor,'" and that's when Jesus explains the higher law which everyone tried to do and abide by (except for the whole rejecting-the-Christ thing and all that) eventually.

So connecting that back to today-- or or or. should I say likening, eh eh? 1 Nephi scripture mastery? yeah haha-- Christ wasn't concerned so much with their strict rules of how to keep the Sabbath holy, but with the spirit of it. And that's where I'm standing right now. There's a lot of commandments that we have today in the church, and I've been concerning myself with why we have them and how I can have high integrity with living the real spirit of the law. The word of wisdom is about being healthy. Keeping the Sabbath day is about respect. I could continue, but I don't think I need all the specific examples. If you have any questions on my stances on anything, I'd be happy to expound.

But another important key that I've found for myself is the spirit with which you do something. For example, when I worked at Target, I worked Sundays, but I told them I was only available after 5 (a half hour after church ended). And the time frame that I worked at Target was right after I was at my spiritual high and then rejected it. Working at Target, I didn't do anything to try to make my life better or spiritually uplifting. I just continued on rejecting my high spiritual level, but going to church. I might have been physically at church, but I was so mentally not in the gospel it's almost unbelievable. Working at the rec center, I regularly work Sundays all day, unable to go to church. I don't really have to necessarily. My boss is cool and would probably accept it just fine if I told her I couldn't work Sundays. But I don't want to tell her that. I love my job and I'm grateful for any time they'll have me work there. Conversely, I was in a happier place in general and wasn't going to work on Sunday to spite anyone, but just because that's what the job asked me to do. And I don't think my faith has wavered at all because of it. It was all about why I was working on a Sunday and how I was choosing to feel.

And the last thing I've learned for myself-- which started very much in China-- was learning to love other people. Love them for their similarities, love them for their differences. Love them and serve them. It's by far the most important thing to me. Which is a large part of why I want to return to China, to serve the people again. Not just the locals-- though that was a great part of it previously-- but also to serve the teachers I'm overseeing. To help them and love them and become better. It's why I love my job so much, because it is constantly about serving people and helping them to better themselves and giving them skills they can use their whole life. And I think service comes in all sorts of different ways. Whether it's listening to someone who needs an ear, or watching someone's kids for a while, giving someone a ride somewhere, doing yard work for people, smiling at a stranger... whatever it is. Anything to make someone feel better. Even if that was only by acknowledging them and making them feel like they were noticed for a couple moments, it was a good piece of service.

Actually, one more thing that I think goes along with my last point. Is to not judge others. That one is one I've thought forever. I've written papers on it, given lessons on it, talked in church about it. It seems serving others and not judging them are pretty intricately tied together. But how someone decides to live their life is not something I'm going to concern myself on. They are living the way they see fit, and I don't think I'm in a position to look down on them. I don't know their life and they have reasons for doing what they're doing, and I'm not God. I don't know if it actually is wrong. So I'm not going to pretend. I'm going to let them do whatever they are going to do. And take the opportunity to do the same for myself. Live how I see fit, inviting others to not tell me I'm wrong. But for myself, I know I want to improve and help others and change the world.

In the end, I think that's what the gospel is about. I love it, and I feel so happy and peaceful being here. I like my Heavenly Father supports me being here. This is what's good. And I love the church because it reminds me that's what the gospel is about. I don't think the church is perfect. I think it has flaws, I've been told many stories about the goodness it was founded on and I've been told stories about it being sketchy. It's run by humans, which is going to make it inherently flawed, but I don't even care. The church isn't important to me because it was restored in the 1800's. It isn't important to me because it unifies the members and proselytes to new people. It's important to me solely because it reminds me to be a better person, taking control of my life and trying to move forward.

You're welcome to disagree with me. I know people who don't think religion does a lot for the world. And we're still friends. What I believe is not their business and what they believe is not mine. But I did want to share what I believe to calm any concerns that seemed to possibly be budding. :) Love you, Mom.