The long awaited essay!

I don't remember which blog it was in that I said I would post my essay on why tragedies are better than happy endings, but I do remember saying that I would, so here it is, in all its glory:

Happily Never After

I am a sucker for a good happy ending.  It provides good closure.  The bad guy gets caught, the hero and damsel end up together, and all is well.  This is true for anything, in my opinion.  Books, TV shows, movies-- whatever.  No matter how rugged and rough the journey is, a happy ending always wraps up the loose strings and leave you with a strong sense of satisfaction. Happy endings seem perfect, but in reality, they are far from perfection.  Tragedies.  Now that's where it's at.

Tragedies never turn out right.  That's the very definition of them.  They leave you feeling deprived with a hole that can't be filled.  But that deprivation is something we yearn for, as human beings.  The best selling books, movies and plays in the world are tragedies.  Andrew Laeddis doesn't stop hallucinating.  Cobb's totem doesn't stop spinning.  Romeo and Juliet don't live happily ever after.  There's always something small that gets in the way of the happy ending, turning the entire story sad and creating a large hole.  Since that hole, which would usually be filled with the closure of "happily ever after," can't be filled by these movies, we go about trying to fill it in different ways.

Most commonly, we try to fill the hole by analyzing.  It's what your brain wants to do.  The human brain wants to think and have something to dissect or work through.  For that same reason, people do crosswords and Sudoku's and riddles.  However, analyzing a movie or book doesn't have to be that formal.  No one normal sits down during a movie with a pen and paper to write the events, themes or motifs, or to jot down characteristics of the main characters so they can later go though and properly analyze this piece of fiction.  Yet all of us analyze movies and books constantly.  It tends to start with question of, "Why?! Why didn't that work out?!" and most of us probably think that's where it ends because we continue analyzing so subtly.  But, let's be honest, the thoughts never stop at asking why.  They will always try to answer why and to find meaning.

And finding meaning is what humans really want.  Even the couch potatoes want to think and find meaning.  No one has ever sat down and said, "I hope I think so little today that my brain actually withers."  As they lounge on their couches, they still think about the show they're watching.  Their mind keeps track of the story line of each individual show.  Their mind mulls over the characters to find likable traits and connects with the characters.  Their mind uncovers the puns and jokes that make the shows watchable.  That's where the genius of tragic movies and TV shows come in.  Everyone can watch and enjoy and dissect until they can find a lesson in the tragedy that a happy ending just can't provide.  Happy endings already have all the loose ends tied.  They don't leave you wondering.  They leave you satisfied.  What kind of a lesson can you draw from that?

For an English class I took in high school, we read a play called Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett.  It's a tragicomedy about two men, Vladimir and Estragon, who are waiting by a tree to meet a man named Godot, who said he'd meet them there later that day.  Vladimir and Estragon waste their day talking to two travelers who pass them and talking to each other, until at the end of the day Godot sends a little boy to tell Vladimir and Estragon that he won't make it that day, but he'll be able to meet with them tomorrow.

The next day, Vladimir wakes up to find than Estragon has changed overnight.  He's much more scared and he can't remember anything that happened the day before.  Vladimir tries to write him off as being crazy and forgetful, until the same two travelers pass them again.  The travelers are also different, acting completely the opposite of how they had been the day before, and they show no memory of having met Vladimir and Estragon.  Similarly, Estragon doesn't remember meeting them.  Only Vladimir remembers anything that happened the day before, and only he remembers that they are waiting for Godot by the tree.  Vladimir is concerned about this, until night falls again and the same little boy comes to tell Vladimir and Estragon that Godot won't make it today, but he'll be able to meet with them tomorrow.  Vladimir gets excited to see this boy and begs him to say that he remembers coming the day before, but the boy doesn't remember anything of the sort. It ends with Vladimir thinking he's gone mad.

After we read the play, we had to write a paper about what we thought Godot was supposed to represent.  Many people in the world believe that Godot is supposed to represent God, but when asked about that in an interview, Beckett responded by saying, "If I had wanted Godot to be God, I would've called him God."  I took this to mean that Godot couldn't represent any one thing, and ended up writing that Godot represented anything you wasted time waiting for.  Given this, Beckett is showing the world that you can't wait for your life to be handed to you, and you have to go out and make your life happen. Beckett is saying you should be proactive, not reactive and that it's absolutely necessary to make your life your own, instead of living for someone else.

Now, had Godot showed up in the end and made everything right for Vladimir and Estragon, I would have never been able to draw that meaning.  Had this not been a tragedy, I would have had nothing to write about.  Similarly, lessons are harder to draw from happy endings.  You can still find a moral, sure, but they aren't as effective.  When it comes to teaching life lessons, scare tactics are much more prominent.  From happy ever after, you learn how your life could turn out.  You learn how perfect your life could be.  But people will settle for less than perfect, as long as they'll still be happy.  From happily never after, you learn how easy it is to mess your life up.  You learn how you don't want your life to be and what you have to do to avoid that kind of miserable nightmare.

I am a total sucker for happily ever afters, but I don't like them.  I much prefer to be left with loose strings dangling in my mind.

The end. I got an A, and my professor wrote, "Interesting thinking. I like the way you set up the idea and then moved into Beckett. (That play seems perfect for what you're discussing.) One question: do you like unhappy endings more because they create a sort of poignant feeling of loss, or more because you see what not to do in your own life? (In other words, is it the catharsis or the lesson you're after?)"  He also wrote, regarding the part where I talk about the mind uncovering jokes and puns, "Do you think this is conscious? It's an intriguing point."

I think I'm having a mid-school crisis.

So I've been thinking recently about my life. I actually wasn't really going to blog about this (it just didn't dawn on me), but then I was looking through some older posts of mine, and there's one where I was talking about how I felt inadequate because I had a couple friends who graduated a semester early, and I didn't. I probably could have, so I should have, yet I didn't. And though I didn't really get a lot of advice on that, I'm hoping all you awesome lovely people who still read my blog will help me out anyway.

At school, I feel like there's this spectrum of classes that people can take. On one side there's the hard sciences, full of facts and right or wrong and true or false, and on the other side there's humanities, full of exceptions to rules and open ended-ness and subjection. I would guess that most people probably find a specific place on this spectrum where their interests lie, and then take classes that fall right around that place. I don't know this as a fact, of course. I don't have any evidence to support or reject it-- not even anecdotal evidence. It's just how I imagine things working in a perfect world.

However, the classes I take tend to fall on opposite ends of this spectrum. I take chem and physics and math, but I also take Chinese and ASL and music. The classes on the hard science end are the ones I need to take, and the classes on the humanities end are the ones that I take for fun. And I feel kinda really conflicted about that? I mean, I really like chemistry. It makes sense to me when explained properly. I have to put a little effort into it-- nothing ridiculous, probably less effort than some other people have to-- but I'm good at it. It makes sense, I remember the rules, I like the order things have. I enjoy being able to learn about how the universe works and explain what it is that makes a ball roll down a hill. I like being able to explain what torque is and why falling at terminal velocity feels oddly similar to standing on the ground. I like learning that you do not add water to acid and how electrons can get excited and release light when they return to their normal state. It's a challenge, but it makes me feel like I'm learning something and growing.

On the other hand, take the foreign languages I've studied. French, Chinese, ASL. I like them a lot, too. They come really naturally to me, and I don't have to put almost any effort into learning them. I continually find myself surprised that the people in my classes there aren't also finding them to be their easiest subjects. I like learning how different languages work together and seeing the similarities and differences between them all. Do the adjectives go before the noun, or after? Is the word order the same as any other language I've taken? How does the pronunciation of letters change from one language to the next? What is the culture like in the places people speak these languages? Where are these languages spoken? What makes France French different from Quebecois? How does the sign change if have my hands palm up instead of palm down? All these languages have rules to them, and there are patterns, but it's also varied. You can say, "That is a small ball," or "The ball is small," without changing too much, but making two different sentences. I like it. It makes me feel connected to the rest of the world. I have considered switching to major in modern languages with French and Italian concentrations. Except what in the world would I do with that?

Actually, the "what would I do with that" problem isn't really the problem. I know if I love something, no matter how remote it is, I can find something to do with it. And then I'll be happy and blah blah blah. The thing is, I love chemistry and it's already what I'm doing (granted, I haven't really gotten all that far into the program, but I love it) and I really really like the end result there. I want to go into forensics. I really enjoyed the ride along I did with the crime lab, even with how "lame" of a call we got. But I also really like the humanities classes I take. They're typically my favorites. I enjoy going to ASL more than I enjoy going to chem.

Especially recently. I said that chem makes sense when explained properly, but I haven't met a great deal of people who can explain in properly (I can think of 2 people). And if it has to be taught to me by someone specific, then is it really something that I'm that good at? Part of me says yes, it doesn't matter who you learn it from, as long as you learn it, but another part of me insists that it's not the same if I can't learn equally from many people. We're not talking about a slight preference for a certain type of teacher, we're talking about an inability to understand unless presented in a certain way.

So why not change majors? If I like the humanities classes more, I should theoretically like a life in humanities more than I'd like a life in forensics, right?

The problem is I feel like if I were to switch, I'd be copping out. You know? I mean, to me, chemistry is the more difficult of the two. It's not one that everyone can do. Some people just don't get it. And since I do, and I like it, I should pursue that, right? If I like it and I get it, I should take advantage of that. Modern language is easier for me, and I guess it's not easy for everyone (a difficult concept for me to understand), but since it's so easy, it's almost like I'm not really learning. Right? Like it doesn't present a proper challenge, so it'd be a waste of my abilities-- especially if I choose to do this after already doing chemistry. It's like I was doing chemistry, and it became too hard for me, so I had to do something easier. If I change now, then I must not be as good as I previously thought I was, because I couldn't handle a chem degree.

And I don't think that it's true that I can't handle a chem degree. I think I totally can. But I think I would have a lower GPA than if I had a modern language degree. Not a bad GPA, but I think we're talking about the difference between a 3.2 and a 3.9. But people wouldn't actually know that. They'd just know I switched from something hard to something easier.

Also, whenever people are like, "What are you studying?" I say, "Chemistry with a criminalistics concentration and a minor in psychology," and they're like, "Wow, you must be really smart!" which is an awkward thing to hear, but I like it anyway. I mean this is the most humble way I can say it haha, but I am pretty smart, and I'm glad that what I'm doing shows that. If I changed and people were like, "What are you studying?" and I said, "Modern languages with concentrations in French and Italian," they'd probably respond with, "Oh, that's really interesting!" which would still be a good response, but it doesn't showcase my abilities. Like it's not obvious that I have a brain if that's all I'm doing. It's still cool, but it's not up to par.

And what would I do with that? Probably nothing specifically, besides be cool. I'd probably go with life plan number 7 and become a writer (minus the transfer to BYU for a semester... probably).

I guess my problem is that I kinda want to pursue this new path, but I don't feel like it's good enough. I feel like I should do better. And I either want someone to convince me that I still want to be on the path I'm on, or I want someone to convince me that this new path is just as good of a choice as what I'm doing now, if not better. That might all be a tall order, but I need help. I'm stuck. D:

Omega 13 Activated!

This is for Shinobi.

And Chaelomen and Berserk.

Phobia.

The only thing to fear is fear itself.

Oh, love. You tricky tricky concept, you.

I suppose this blog is political in nature, but I'm not doing that thing where we have a hundred comments between a couple of people who don't see eye to eye and are now arguing relentlessly with each other. I'm going to use my blog to say how I feel, and then everyone is welcome to comment and say how they feel. You're welcome to tell me that you disagree with my opinions, but you're not welcome to tell me I'm wrong or to start fighting. This isn't going to be flame war. I will resort to deleting comments if I must-- something I've never done before on my blog, and really, I don't want to have to start now.

Let's just be adults and accept each other's differences of opinions, and spare me from having to go comment-deleting. Though, honestly, with how many comments I've been getting recently, I'd be surprised to see this be a problem.


So I have a friend, and I was reading her blog, and I thought it was really beautiful. But it reminded me of something. In case this is news to anyone, I'm LDS.

On facebook, I'm friends with a lot of returned missionaries that used to serve in the branch. About 6 months ago, I was looking at one of their profiles, and I saw that his "religious views" were set as agnostic, which was a little strange. Since, you know, he used to be a missionary in the branch. I messaged him to ask when that happened, and he said, "It was months ago. Probably around six months now? It was around the time I also came out as gay to my family...I kinda hit them with everything at once, unfortunately! lol, I know it may be a shock to you, being a member, but I finally had the strength to be 100% true to myself. I've known I was gay since I was a little boy. And I'm totally open to any questions, etc...I'm a very open book."

Now, I was really actually not concerned at all with his sexual orientation. I was honestly more interested in why he decided he was agnostic, so that's where I steered the conversation. I was just curious, I wanted to know why the drastic change. I love the gospel very much, and though I believe it's true, I know that is not what everyone in the world thinks. But if they once believed it and now don't, I want to know why. I want to know what tripped them up. That way I can address it for myself and see what I think about their concerns. I don't go back and try to convince them, "No, man, the gospel is true, see? I solved your problems!" No one likes that kid haha. But it helps to strengthen myself, and I can go back to them and say, "I see what you're saying, but I guess that isn't a concern I have because A B and C," and then they can do what they want with that. They told me what they believe, I told them what I believe, we move on and continue being friends.

I did, however tell him congratulations for coming out and having the strength to be honest with himself and tell his friends and family, and wished him luck on his future endeavors with falling in love and adopting kids. It would be really difficult to hit your friends and family with something that you've been keeping a secret from everyone (and trying to deny yourself), and I am truly happy for him. He's happy now, I can feel it when I talk to him. I was so excited for his happiness, that I told a couple people back here, that way they could be happy for him, too.

Wow. I mostly didn't get the reactions I was anticipating. I've never really considered myself open-minded, but I guess I am? I don't know, it's news to me. Regardless, I told a couple of my friends that he came out, and some of them were happy for him, but many seemed disappointed in him. And I can't understand why, though I've tried to figure it out. The only explanation I can come up with is that they're afraid. They don't understand it, so they fear it, and they turn that fear into anger or annoyance or maybe simply disinterest. I used to be like that. But I'm not like that anymore, and I'm ashamed I ever was. But the fact that I've changed gives me hope that others can, as well.

Anyway, my friend's blog just made me want to share a few of my person beliefs: I don't believe homosexuality is a sin, nor do I believe it's a choice (except for those obnoxious middle schoolers who are like, "I'm bi!" just for the attention). I believe we all deserve the right to be married. I don't believe civil union is the same thing as marriage. I don't believe legalizing gay marriage will force my temples to adopt different standards than they currently have. I believe love is complex and simple at the same time. I believe someday the war on gay marriage will end the same way that the war on interracial marriage did. I believe God's love for you doesn't depend on your sexual orientation nor do I think it depends on your belief in him, side note.

And if you think differently than I do, if your beliefs don't coincide perfectly with mine, then that's fine. We don't all have to be clones of each other. But we do all have to be human beings. And we should all act like human beings and have some respect for each other.

If anyone has questions on what I believe or comments on what I believe, you are all more than welcome to ask/share below. Just remember kids, let's pretend like we like each other.

The flashing lights have got a hold on me.

Well I feel like a slacker. Or actually, no I don't. I feel productive. But my productivity is making me not very blog-ish. Sad. But I'm still alive! And planning on doing math soon to figure out what all of the new scores for all the restaurants we've rated are. And then we'll start up burger-rating adventures again. Mmm. I miss those...

But classes are going well!

I've got psychopharmacology, which is really interesting. Drugs are still awesome. I have to read up on the drug GHB (date rape drug) for a presentation and paper. If anyone has ideas for sources, that'd be fantastic.

I used to have intro to philosophy, but the teacher seemed to have one goal for the semester: to piss all of us off. Super lame. So I dropped it and picked up intro to music, which will fulfill the same gen ed requirement. It's really cool, I enjoy that class. It's a lot of classical music, which I don't usually listen to but it's interesting anyway.

ASL is also really cool. I quite like it. There's actually a new girl we just hired at work who has 2 deaf kids, so she knows sign language and we practice when we talk at work. So fun.

Analytical chem is pretty cool, too. It seems like a lot of review of things from gen chem, just in more detail, but that's a good thing, because I had no idea what was going on in gen chem two.

Intro to sociology is interesting? I really like the textbook and reading it. It's really interesting. But I'm not in love with the actual class. The teacher is kinda cool, but the textbook is waaay more interesting than the lecture material. Which is confusing, because shouldn't it be the same material?

And my last "class" is analytical chem lab, which is mostly waiting for things. Like, waiting for the crucibles to be heated (a process that takes several hours) and waiting in line to use the Atomic Absorption thing. It's not too bad, though, because there's some cool people in my class, and I like talking to them.

Work is also going really well. I've already been there for 6 months, which totally blows my mind. It's the longest I've ever held a job before, actually. And I plan to stay forever! We've been really busy this year. The beginning of the year is usually the busy season for rec centers/gyms because everyone has New Year's resolutions to go to the gym more, but my boss has actually shown me the numbers, and this is the busiest year we've had in like 5 years or something. It's been a little stressful, but in a good way. I love all the people I work with, too. They're all really cool and easy to talk to, which really makes the day go by much faster. And it's still way fun to teach the climbing classes I'm in charge of. I love it. Such a great job. :)

And climbing is going pretty well. I've finally persuaded one of my friends to come climbing with me 2-3 times a week, which has been really fun, and I can see that I've improved already. I can climb 2 of the 5.6's we have at work, and there's just this one spot where I get stuck on our last 5.6, but I'm working to get around it. I think when Ally (the friend I convinced to climb with me) and I go climbing tomorrow, I'll try one or two of our 5.7's (there's four of those, and one of them is on the same wall as the 5.6 that I'm getting stuck on, so I don't think it'll be the one I try).

That's about it for my exciting news. Still looking at moving out in May/June with a couple roommates. I turned 21? That's kinda exciting I guess. But yes, that's my life for the past couple months. Everything's well, just busy! I'll try to get up new restaurant ratings soon, possibly this weekend. My schedule doesn't look too ridiculously busy. Yet...