I think I'm having a mid-school crisis.

So I've been thinking recently about my life. I actually wasn't really going to blog about this (it just didn't dawn on me), but then I was looking through some older posts of mine, and there's one where I was talking about how I felt inadequate because I had a couple friends who graduated a semester early, and I didn't. I probably could have, so I should have, yet I didn't. And though I didn't really get a lot of advice on that, I'm hoping all you awesome lovely people who still read my blog will help me out anyway.

At school, I feel like there's this spectrum of classes that people can take. On one side there's the hard sciences, full of facts and right or wrong and true or false, and on the other side there's humanities, full of exceptions to rules and open ended-ness and subjection. I would guess that most people probably find a specific place on this spectrum where their interests lie, and then take classes that fall right around that place. I don't know this as a fact, of course. I don't have any evidence to support or reject it-- not even anecdotal evidence. It's just how I imagine things working in a perfect world.

However, the classes I take tend to fall on opposite ends of this spectrum. I take chem and physics and math, but I also take Chinese and ASL and music. The classes on the hard science end are the ones I need to take, and the classes on the humanities end are the ones that I take for fun. And I feel kinda really conflicted about that? I mean, I really like chemistry. It makes sense to me when explained properly. I have to put a little effort into it-- nothing ridiculous, probably less effort than some other people have to-- but I'm good at it. It makes sense, I remember the rules, I like the order things have. I enjoy being able to learn about how the universe works and explain what it is that makes a ball roll down a hill. I like being able to explain what torque is and why falling at terminal velocity feels oddly similar to standing on the ground. I like learning that you do not add water to acid and how electrons can get excited and release light when they return to their normal state. It's a challenge, but it makes me feel like I'm learning something and growing.

On the other hand, take the foreign languages I've studied. French, Chinese, ASL. I like them a lot, too. They come really naturally to me, and I don't have to put almost any effort into learning them. I continually find myself surprised that the people in my classes there aren't also finding them to be their easiest subjects. I like learning how different languages work together and seeing the similarities and differences between them all. Do the adjectives go before the noun, or after? Is the word order the same as any other language I've taken? How does the pronunciation of letters change from one language to the next? What is the culture like in the places people speak these languages? Where are these languages spoken? What makes France French different from Quebecois? How does the sign change if have my hands palm up instead of palm down? All these languages have rules to them, and there are patterns, but it's also varied. You can say, "That is a small ball," or "The ball is small," without changing too much, but making two different sentences. I like it. It makes me feel connected to the rest of the world. I have considered switching to major in modern languages with French and Italian concentrations. Except what in the world would I do with that?

Actually, the "what would I do with that" problem isn't really the problem. I know if I love something, no matter how remote it is, I can find something to do with it. And then I'll be happy and blah blah blah. The thing is, I love chemistry and it's already what I'm doing (granted, I haven't really gotten all that far into the program, but I love it) and I really really like the end result there. I want to go into forensics. I really enjoyed the ride along I did with the crime lab, even with how "lame" of a call we got. But I also really like the humanities classes I take. They're typically my favorites. I enjoy going to ASL more than I enjoy going to chem.

Especially recently. I said that chem makes sense when explained properly, but I haven't met a great deal of people who can explain in properly (I can think of 2 people). And if it has to be taught to me by someone specific, then is it really something that I'm that good at? Part of me says yes, it doesn't matter who you learn it from, as long as you learn it, but another part of me insists that it's not the same if I can't learn equally from many people. We're not talking about a slight preference for a certain type of teacher, we're talking about an inability to understand unless presented in a certain way.

So why not change majors? If I like the humanities classes more, I should theoretically like a life in humanities more than I'd like a life in forensics, right?

The problem is I feel like if I were to switch, I'd be copping out. You know? I mean, to me, chemistry is the more difficult of the two. It's not one that everyone can do. Some people just don't get it. And since I do, and I like it, I should pursue that, right? If I like it and I get it, I should take advantage of that. Modern language is easier for me, and I guess it's not easy for everyone (a difficult concept for me to understand), but since it's so easy, it's almost like I'm not really learning. Right? Like it doesn't present a proper challenge, so it'd be a waste of my abilities-- especially if I choose to do this after already doing chemistry. It's like I was doing chemistry, and it became too hard for me, so I had to do something easier. If I change now, then I must not be as good as I previously thought I was, because I couldn't handle a chem degree.

And I don't think that it's true that I can't handle a chem degree. I think I totally can. But I think I would have a lower GPA than if I had a modern language degree. Not a bad GPA, but I think we're talking about the difference between a 3.2 and a 3.9. But people wouldn't actually know that. They'd just know I switched from something hard to something easier.

Also, whenever people are like, "What are you studying?" I say, "Chemistry with a criminalistics concentration and a minor in psychology," and they're like, "Wow, you must be really smart!" which is an awkward thing to hear, but I like it anyway. I mean this is the most humble way I can say it haha, but I am pretty smart, and I'm glad that what I'm doing shows that. If I changed and people were like, "What are you studying?" and I said, "Modern languages with concentrations in French and Italian," they'd probably respond with, "Oh, that's really interesting!" which would still be a good response, but it doesn't showcase my abilities. Like it's not obvious that I have a brain if that's all I'm doing. It's still cool, but it's not up to par.

And what would I do with that? Probably nothing specifically, besides be cool. I'd probably go with life plan number 7 and become a writer (minus the transfer to BYU for a semester... probably).

I guess my problem is that I kinda want to pursue this new path, but I don't feel like it's good enough. I feel like I should do better. And I either want someone to convince me that I still want to be on the path I'm on, or I want someone to convince me that this new path is just as good of a choice as what I'm doing now, if not better. That might all be a tall order, but I need help. I'm stuck. D: